Saturday September 6th
(jump earlier)
ThirtyOne-derful!
"Fake It Until You Make It", right? So, I've decided that age 31 *cringe* is going to be where my life improves drastically, in ways I could not even imagine right now (but better start imagining for it to work)!!! Let me begin by telling you how AMAZING my birthday celebration was... (yes, I am being slightly facetious.)
Basically, some of my co-workers showed up for sushi dinner last Saturday as I recruited "friends" for my birthday event. My aunt (another "friend") was there as well. The main plan was to have dinner there, then drinks at a bar afterwards. You know in movies, a scene where everything seems joyful and happy but then all of the sudden something goes wrong and you get that sound effect of a needle scratching through a record? Well, I'm pretty sure I heard it when my aunt told me she wasn't going out with me that evening. Now that meant, having sushi dinner... hoping one of these people would show up to the bar afterwards, but more than likely sitting alone at the bar being depressed about the so called birthday celebration, or even worse (and more likely to happen) sitting alone at home.
I paid my bill, drove back home with my aunt arguing with me, making me feel even worse about the situation. I offered to buy all the drinks that night if she would accompany me to the bar that evening "...because there is nothing more that I want on my birthday, but to spend it with you." *insert eye roll here* When we got there I half-expected to see my friendly co-workers sitting at a table with smiles on their faces when I walked in, but instead there was nobody. Except... sitting alone on a barstool drinking a pop was my ex-boyfriend. After seeing him there, what happened beforehand didn't matter anymore. My aunt (arch-nemesis of my ex) refused to sit near us and befriended a few random females at the bar. Occasionally, I would get jeers, glares and scowls although quite frankly I would have preferred a beer, pint or shot. My ex, clearly aware of the situation, was about to leave to avoid any further discomfort... however, it was too late. My aunt grabbed her purse as her boyfriend was there to pick her up. More jeers, glares and scowls. I turned to my ex (fighting back the tears as I assessed the pathetic reality of my life) and exclaimed, "How ironic life is that the only person who was there for me this evening is my ex-boyfriend."
My actual birthday was Tuesday, and I literally had the most romantic and beautiful time with that one person who was there for me. We had a 2 day getaway to a remote cabin and spent most of it in the jacuzzi. I never once mentioned, hinted, or discussed the future, commitment or brought up any of our past issues. Instead, I took it for what it was and enjoyed the moment. Bittersweet, yes. However, in all honesty that was the best birthday I've ever had. |
posted Saturday September 6th, @12:44AM
Saturday August 30th
(jump earlier later)
My Intermittent Statements
So it's been a while since I've posted on here. I had the whole summer to go out and explore a new side of life, experience new things, enjoy life and get over the elusive ex-love that threw my heart in a juicer and drank it for breakfast. You would think... However, the pathetic reality is that not much has changed, hence the reason why I haven't posted on here. Partly embarrassed, but mostly anticipation of a more interesting topic. If I had a penny for every time I uttered his name, I'd be living it up like a celebrity in Malibu.
I am stuck in limbo. Pseudo-relationship hell. I am simply a FWB to my ex and inevitably I'm going to be the one who gets hurt. He has already crossed that line, as I have not even hugged another male species since he and I have been apart. He, on the other hand... has whored himself out, and the sheer thought of that makes me want to throw up.
Anyway, I am celebrating my "umpteenth" birthday this weekend, sans ex. I plan on having a great time, getting trashed and most importantly forgetting about him. I hope next time I write in here, I'll have something a little more compelling to share. |
posted Saturday August 30th, @01:19AM
Thursday June 12th
(jump earlier later)
Sucker for Punishment or Lover of Sentiment...
Last night I met up with J. I knew that all this was going to do was reset any progress I had made upon getting over him. I also realized this was not a reconciliation by any means. We arrived in separate cars and went for a slow walk around the lake. It was cold out, but we learned from last time to dress warmly, otherwise (heaven forbid) we would have to hold each other to keep warm. Equipped with a 1L Nalgene bottle full of potent Long Island Ice Tea, the predictable ending was surely headed for a disaster.
It started off somewhat "normal" but as neutral topics depleted, along with our alcohol supply, voices began to raise (me) and tears began to flow (yes, me again). "I have to move halfway across the fucking country just to get over you and here you are talking about how you feel like you are 19 all over again going to the bars... so don't you EVEN SAY that you feel the exact same way I do!!" One of my several outrages directed to him that night.
After agreeing to call it a night, we each got in our cars and he slowly drove away. I was the only person in the parking lot and cried long and hard for about 20 minutes...until I saw a person outside my window. At first I thought it was a cop, but then I realized it was J. He parked down by the school and waited for me to leave. "I'm worried about you, what are you still doing here?" He asked. After a brief talk I ended up driving home... without crashing my car into the ditch or driving it into the lake.
Today was no better. I felt completely drained and had no energy to workout or practice anything remotely healthy for that matter... especially when I came home from work. Mom and her boyfriend are gone out drinking for the evening. If I was the average person I would have easily called up a friend to get out of the empty house and take my mind off of things. However, I don't have that luxury. I don't have any real friends who live here in the city. I have wonderful co-workers, good acquaintances and people I went to college with years back. I don't have one single person I can rely on here. My best friend lives in Windsor, and she would help me out in a heartbeat. My brother and his wife both live in Windsor and I would always be welcome at the house...
Here, on the other hand, I live in solitary confinement. |
posted Thursday June 12th, @09:11PM
Friday June 6th
(jump earlier later)
Time to move on...
I thought this would help me, but instead it is resurfacing painful emotions. I will wrap it up, but after that I refuse to dwell on it on here any longer. In short, I never once saw M. he cancelled his flight and ended our friendship shortly after. Although I received much false hope, I never did get a chance with J. again. I tried to win him back, believe me. To this day he still plays my opponent on Scrabulous. And he still chats with me. And I still have a hard time letting go... |
posted Friday June 6th, @12:29PM
Wednesday June 4th
(jump earlier later)
Story of a girl who cried a river & drowned the whole world
May 4th seemed like an average Saturday night. I was going to J.'s house, planning for the usual... probably watch some TV, have a few drinks and then go to bed. Even when I arrived nothing seemed too much out of the ordinary, except the nervous wringing of his hands. He even sent me to the store to buy some pop for our rum. After he poured us both a drink I sat on the couch, "I think we need to talk about your upcoming trip." He said. Without reliving painful memories of that night, I can just tell you that my world seemed to fall apart after that. J. broke up with me, even after I promised to cancel my trip to Windsor (my home town where I've visited annually for the past 6 years) I managed to drive home in emotional hysteria and the next 3 days, I ultimately hit rock bottom and yet somehow survived.
Let's rewind back 6 weeks prior to that event. J., his daughter and myself went on a family vacation together. We went to my favourite destination, Cuba. Sadly, it was the worst vacation of my life. What I had anticipated would bring us together, actually drove us apart. Well, J. and his daughter probably became closer, however I wished I never even went. Many times we had arguments, disagreements or worse him being cold and aloof toward me. On top of that, his 7 year daughter would sling a few insults my way. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. This was a tropical island!! You aren't supposed to fight and have a horrible time! I was literally happier to get off the plane to go home than when we originally went to our resort.
Instead of happy memories, I returned home with bruised and battered ego. If everything happens for a reason and timing is everything, then what was the reason this time? I met someone online... he found me actually. I knew of this man, who I will call M., but never actually met him. He was from my hometown and dated a friend of mine back in high school. I looked at him solely as a friend. Nothing provocative or sexual was exchanged between us, but you could say I had an emotional affair. I re-evaluated my life and relationship and was upset by how much J. took me for granted. 10 days of communication went by via email, social network, texting and phoning. M. even had flowers delivered to my house. I felt pressure from certain family, friends and coworkers. Hell, my mom even cried on more than one occasion, outright telling me how I was wasting my life with J. and need to give M. a chance! M. in fact already bought a ticket to come see me. I did what I felt I needed to do. I was dreading it, but I had to break up with J.
It was April 18th and I took the cowardly way out as far as breakups go. I'm ashamed to even admit this, but I phoned him to end it. The next day I met at his house and we exchanged items and I told him everything. I was crying, so hard I was hyperventilating. I didn't want to let him go as I hugged him tightly for the last time, but I didn't want to let anyone else down either... perhaps ultimately I let myself down. I don't even know anymore, but the story gets worse.
April 20th, I got a long heartfelt email from J. He said I was making a mistake and that I was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Sadly, it was almost the same empty promises he had written to me the following year when we broke up. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. When I was face to face with J., just looking in his eyes I wanted to be with him too. After solidifying our decision to do everything in our power to make it work, I phoned M. and broke the news to him. He was supposed to come up to visit me 1 week from that day. |
posted Wednesday June 4th, @03:31PM
Tuesday June 3rd
(jump earlier later)
"Fake It Until You Make It"
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for the underlying bitter undertones or sporadic explicit language that may enfold throughout the course of this journal.
It's been quite some time since I'm posted anything on this site. I was once a hardcore BBR addict, but then I got into a 4 year relationship. Well guess what? 1 month ago today he broke up with me.
I'm semi-over it, however, I feel compelled to start up a journal again. I thought about potential sites, weighed out pros and cons of keeping complete privacy and posting anonymously. Something brought me back here. I have nothing to hide, nor am I looking at announcing to the world the bizarre events that happen to occur in my life. Writing is therapeutic for me and posting here will keep me consistent. Who knows, maybe someday I'll transfer everything to a more private site, but I'll keep it here for now.
I don't know how much I want to get into, but I can declare that I need to change my current situation. In other words... move. Definitely out of Mommy Dearest's house and more than likely out of this small town they happen to call a city. I've had 2 solid opportunities in the last 2 years to do just that, and I turned them both down...but that would have been the easy way out.
They say "Everything happens for a reason." I am challenged by others on that whenever I mention those 5 little words. Life is usually tough for everyone to some degree. I analyze the past decade and realized I've made bad decisions that ultimately affected my current quality of life. They also say "Good things come to those who wait." and "It's always darkest before dawn." I'm sure you could find the ideal adage for any obstacle that's dragging you down in life, but I haven't gotten to the point where I've lost all hope... yet.
|
posted Tuesday June 3rd, @09:49PM
|
Beverly0