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simplykristi
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Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
The oncologist's office has been a huge help. The office actually referred my dad for palliative care. That's the reason we have gotten things moving quickly.  My mom did not listen for the door while i was at dad's appt. so I don't know if anyone tried to drop off equipment. Off to call palliative care.
Kristi
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PeteC2
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said by simplykristi  :The palliative care social worker is meeting with my parents and I on Thursday. Dad had his occupational therapy appt. yesterday. Dad is getting a commode chair (actually goes over toilet), a walker, and a transport wheelchair. The transport wheelchair will be easier to lift in and out of the van than a standard wheelchair. My dad just needs a chair that I can get him from one place to another. Kristi That should help some. It is almost dizzying, the amount of "stuff" that one ends up with when this kind of care/assistance is needed...I remember when my father in law suffered a stroke and we were taking care of him...wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walkers, adaptive seating...whew! At least you have some level of assistance, we were not so smart, and went through most of this on our own...
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simplykristi
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The palliative care social worker is meeting with my parents and I on Thursday. Dad had his occupational therapy appt. yesterday. Dad is getting a commode chair (actually goes over toilet), a walker, and a transport wheelchair. The transport wheelchair will be easier to lift in and out of the van than a standard wheelchair. My dad just needs a chair that I can get him from one place to another.
Kristi
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signmeuptoo
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I want to apologize for my silence on this until now. I am not a good person to offer opinions or suggestions, having a mother who let herself go to death and a father that, well...
We don't chose our parents, and they can really hurt us at times, or at least they inevitably act in ways that seem to defy logic, leaving their children in compromise situations. I can't say anything to my dad so I don't even try. I try to keep myself sort of zen about it. All humans are funny because we all get ideas in our heads and get emotions and all that don't seem right to those around us.
Back when I was in my own crises and was faced with deciding how I would act out on it, I was very fortunate in that what I think was the Holy Spirit pulled off and away from a bridge. I kept seeing how I would hurt others if I acted as I was tempted to, so sense got the better of me and I walked away to live another day. I know not everyone carries a religious aspect to their convictions, so I am definitely not preaching, but even so, the universe itself can guide our hearts if we listen. I listened and it kept me alive.
The very fact that you come here and talk to your friends shows that you have things in hand. Don't doubt yourself, don't punish yourself, and don't make yourself suffer too much worry.
Kristi, you have my loving prayers and a few tears too. Let love guide you but remember that part of letting love guide yourself is remembering to love, well, yourself too, in case you are every tempted to forget.
I too am facing a crises right now that I won't talk about but I know all I can do is deal with it with calm and moderate resignation. There is only so much I can do for those I love when I have my own troubles, and in the past I've let my health pay the price.
Make sure you take vitamins. Make sure you get sleep if at all possible. Set aside time with pals so you have some time off. As has been said, being firm when it is your right to is no crime!
I have made so many bad decisions in my life that I can't say much here, but I want you to know I care and that you aren't alone in having trouble with loved ones, I'm in it too, though in different circumstances.
When you want to explode, breath, and breath some more and I know you will make it, your a gift from God to the world, of that I am certain.
God Bless.
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simplykristi
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Thanks again for the advice. It's much appreciated.
First of all, the big headache left Thursday so I am doing what I know needs to be done. I did not need someone outside of my immediate family telling me what I had to do. It's made things between my mom and I sooo much better. I am just giving the house a lick and a promise between the times that the cleaning service comes in. I will do some other things to keep things running.
Secondly, palliative care is now coming in twice a week. One of the meetings we have is with the palliative care social worker. The nurse told us yesterday she likes to meet with families at least once. I have a feeling it will be quite a meeting with the social worker. My dad is very stubborn... He us reluctant for outside help. My mom enjoyed having the volunteer here last night. My dad was not happy. The referral to palliative care has been wonderful!
Kristi
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santy
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I can't really add anything to what everyone else has said. I do know from my relationship with my father, that there were times that I just let him have it verbally, (including cuss words), and stormed out of the house and drove somewhere anywhere for awhile.. The one thing that I did not do often enough was when I came back is to tell him I love him. Things just went back to normal and on with life. Now that he is gone, I not only miss him (and the arguments, etc.) but I realize that I didn't tell him that I loved him as often as I should have.
No matter what happens verbally, after you and hopefully your parent(s) have cooled down a little, make sure you tell them you love them and give them a hug. On to the next project etc.
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You've had some very awesome advice, Kristi, and I can't imagine a more comforting shoulder than that of Mother Nature. Fortunate you. I am at a loss to add anything of value, although my heart does go out to you greatly. You are in a very difficult place.
I can't truly relate since my mother took care of my father after he began to have strokes and until he passed on. My brother and I shared care of Mother when she was going through the final phases of ovarian cancer, but she was such a gracious soul, the difficulty was trying to be certain I didn't inadvertantly cause her unnecessary grief and pain by my actions. She would never tell me if I did.
Whatever the dynamics of the relationship between parentals and their offspring, that time of life where it is necessary for the roles to reverse to some degree is extremely awkward for both generations. I needed to be careful not to do too much, to try to allow Mom as much independence as she could handle and yet recognize when she really did need help and then make sure she got it. You seem to be in the opposite place with Mom wanting you to do everything yourself and Dad wanting you to do it but do it precisely the way he would.
Back when they were the caretakers and we were the cared for, I'm sure they did everything as well as they could with our best interests in mind, but they didn't do it always the way we wanted, remember? When it was their responsibility, they did it the way they thought best. When it comes our turn to take care of them, that's what we have to do as well.
I'm sure we had our moments, whining and complaining about their decisions, etc. They needed to just forgive us for that and do that which they could and in the best way they could. I think that's what you have to do, too, with big emphasis on compassion and forgiveness. It just isn't easy to give up the reins, to know you are getting older and sicker and less able.
Try to remember they are not upset with you so much as they are having trouble facing the realities of this stage of their lives. I think we would all just like to stay feeling good and in charge of things and then just go quietly. It just seldom happens that way.
They are fortunate to have you. I think they know that, but are just hurting too much to let you know that. You're doing great. You really are doing it all in the sense that you have taken charge and are making sure that which is essential gets done as well as possible. Of course you need help and are right to accept the help you need. Keep up the good work, Dear, and continue to allow your supporters to surround you. You must include care for yourself in your plans or you'll be no help to them at all.
Maybe try not to argue with them where possible. Sometimes you'll just need to give 'em a smile and a hug and continue on, let them know you are aware this isn't easy for them, that you understand. And maybe sometimes you'll realize they've had a lot of experience and the advice they are giving really is quite good and doable.
Then come back here and cry if you need to and we'll wrap our arms around you best we can across the miles. Cry on Uncle Jack's shoulder when it can help.
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simplykristi
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I had a good therapeutic workout today. I worked on the basement. Nothing like physical labor to work off the anger and stress.
Kristi
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usa2k
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I figured you had a good backbone because of all you were doing struck me as an assertive person. That is a good thing. Hang tough and I'm sending more prayers for you and yours! | |
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Kristi, where you are I was back in the mid-nineties. Both parents sick at the same time, Daddy with stroke/MI, Momma with bowel cancer. He turned mean against her, family dynamics, chaos, insanity..... bla bla bla.
I can't say anything better than Pete already has, but I'll offer my ears and shoulder to you as someone who has been down this road.
Just IM me, sugar.
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simplykristi
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Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
Family dysfunction.... I learned about that in social work school a long time ago. It pretty much describes my family right now. Sad but true.
Kristi
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simplykristi
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Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
Thanks you two! I PM'ed Pete last night.... His post pretty much hit home. Jim, I try to do right not please... I was out straightening things in the garage fridge and my dad was complaining how I was doing things.... He thought that he should show me how.... I did not ask for his help or advice. He should have not been out in the warm garage. I told him he could do it and I walked off. My mom's cousin tried to talk to me and I blew her off by saying "Don't talk to me." I went downstairs and started cleaning my own room. I got tired at 7:45 and went to bed. I slept until 8:30 this morning. Sleep does a body good.
My mom's cousin has been in a pain in the ass. I can't wait until she leaves. She has fed my mom a bunch of crap and I am totally sick of it. The woman's own daughters turned their backs on her with her cancer treatment. The woman thinks that I should do everything that her daughters didn't and expects my friends to help! My friends do help already. They help me out by just being there for me and one of my friends takes them to appts. since she has time to do that right now. My mom's cousin expects my friends to cook meals. I can't wait for her to leave tomorrow!!
No one in my family is thinking straight at all.... I am trying to keep everything and everyone together and I can't. My family is in crisis.
Kristi
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Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
Wow PeteC2 ! For a know-it-all You offered unusually very wise words!
Kristy,
some people can feel very bad if others seem displeased with them. If you are a people pleaser, then this heavy burden would surely be a tough one. Definitely keep yourself well, accept help like the cleaning service, and know we can't see/know your real circumstances.
You have done so much already, and proven to be a blessing of amazing helps to your family. People really do act odd when they are not well, so try (as hard as it is) to remember that its not a reflection on you, its just family that gets dysfunctional during extreme times.
BTW I should be the last person to offer an opinion! 
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Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
Kristi, there are so many dynamics involved here that the first thing that I must say is that nobody outside of this situation knows enough family history to really give great advice...however, since I really am a stinkin' know it all  a few observations?
With your mom, dad, and brother all having severe medical issues concurrently, it is probably more likely than not that nobody has the clearest head in the world...and please pardon me for saying this...even you!
Should mom dump the entire burden of the family on you? Of course not! That goes without saying, and we all tend to deal with our own mortality differently. I have seen very rational people get really "out of character" when faced with a serious health issue...as I have seen those who shrug it off surprisingly well...
kristi, I have followed much of your recent postings, and it is clear that you are over-burdened. It is also (to me, at least) clear that you tend to put too much on yourself as it is. As you do not drive, I absolutely, positively fail to see the necessity of you going to all these medical appointments. A certain amount of support and "hand holding" is fine, to be sure, but all involved are after all, adults, yes? Frankly, I pretty much never bother Anne about my being diabetic, to what end would that be useful?
It is true, that until things change, it is your parent's house...if they want your drunken cousin to hang around...well, dumb in my opinion, but their call.
One thing however is patently clear: Calmly, politely, but firmly, Kristi, you need to set some guidelines with folks as to what you are, and are not willing to do! I think that this starts off with you doing some real soul-searching, and deciding for yourself, which tasks are reasonable, and which are "over the top", both in terms of medical appointments accompanied, and in terms of house-work/responsibilities. After all, one can only be taken advantage of if one permits it! Then, when you have it all clear in your own mind, you have a one on one conversation with your mother, or both parents if that is how it works in your family, and quietly, calmly, but firmly state where you are at with things now, and what you will be willing to do, and no longer do from now on.
It would be a useful thing to have a couple of "compromise" items...you might not do "this"...but would perhaps be willing to do "that" type of thing, but only on the subjects that you do not feel too hard-core about...that way, everyone has a little "bargaining" room, which leads to happier conclusions.
After that, comes the hard part...what they call "let go and let God" You may find some agreement, and maybe even some change, but this will still not solve everything (of course!). Once you set your parameters, then you also have to accept that this is no guarantee that your mom, or anyone else, will always respect that. At that point, if someone whines or is unhappy...well, so be it. You will never make everyone happy, and there is little use feeling bad about that.
Practice this line: "Gee mom, I am sorry that you feel that way, I understand that you'd like me to do/feel otherwise, but this is how it is, and I hope that you can accept that, and go on from there"
P.S. I mentioned it before: I think having some outside help during this time of stress and crisis only makes good sense, whether it is in the form of help cleaning/cooking/running errands, or a little counseling/"spiritual" aid! There are times when everyone will be simply too stressed out to either be wholly rational, or even be able to deal physically with the day to day challenges.
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simplykristi
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| This is off-topic and part of my ongoing issues with parents but I need some advice please. It's all related to my parents. (I am sure that all of you are tired of it. And I appreciate all the support.)
My mom seems to have the idea that I need to be all do all around here. I go to every appt., every test, and every procedure. I have made it clear that I are things I do NOT want to do. I do NOT want to manage the household because the house is too much for me to handle. A relative has offered to have someone pay to come in to do heavy cleaning once every two weeks. I do not want my drunken cousin hanging around every weekend. He only started hanging out since his mom came up to visit over Memorial Day weekend.
All, my mom has it in her head that it is all about her. Well, to me it is NOT all about her. To me, it is about both my parents. She's been really hateful about my dad. She refuses to do anything as far as he goes. She has complained about the medication he was on. I got the medication changed.... She thinks it is an overnight process.
Plus my mom thinks that I should do everything because I live here and owe it to her because of all my medical issues. That is how I perceive it. She more or less told me that last night. I just blew and walked away.
In fact, the house is willed to me upon parents' deaths. I have decided to sell it upon their deaths and split the proceeds with my brothers as stipulated in the will. This is too much house for me to handle.
I won't reply right away because I have to go with my friend to take my dad to chemo.
Thanks for any and all suggestions. It's much appreciated!
Kristi
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