PeteC2
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1 edit | reply to simplykristi
Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
Kristi, there are so many dynamics involved here that the first thing that I must say is that nobody outside of this situation knows enough family history to really give great advice...however, since I really am a stinkin' know it all  a few observations?
With your mom, dad, and brother all having severe medical issues concurrently, it is probably more likely than not that nobody has the clearest head in the world...and please pardon me for saying this...even you!
Should mom dump the entire burden of the family on you? Of course not! That goes without saying, and we all tend to deal with our own mortality differently. I have seen very rational people get really "out of character" when faced with a serious health issue...as I have seen those who shrug it off surprisingly well...
kristi, I have followed much of your recent postings, and it is clear that you are over-burdened. It is also (to me, at least) clear that you tend to put too much on yourself as it is. As you do not drive, I absolutely, positively fail to see the necessity of you going to all these medical appointments. A certain amount of support and "hand holding" is fine, to be sure, but all involved are after all, adults, yes? Frankly, I pretty much never bother Anne about my being diabetic, to what end would that be useful?
It is true, that until things change, it is your parent's house...if they want your drunken cousin to hang around...well, dumb in my opinion, but their call.
One thing however is patently clear: Calmly, politely, but firmly, Kristi, you need to set some guidelines with folks as to what you are, and are not willing to do! I think that this starts off with you doing some real soul-searching, and deciding for yourself, which tasks are reasonable, and which are "over the top", both in terms of medical appointments accompanied, and in terms of house-work/responsibilities. After all, one can only be taken advantage of if one permits it! Then, when you have it all clear in your own mind, you have a one on one conversation with your mother, or both parents if that is how it works in your family, and quietly, calmly, but firmly state where you are at with things now, and what you will be willing to do, and no longer do from now on.
It would be a useful thing to have a couple of "compromise" items...you might not do "this"...but would perhaps be willing to do "that" type of thing, but only on the subjects that you do not feel too hard-core about...that way, everyone has a little "bargaining" room, which leads to happier conclusions.
After that, comes the hard part...what they call "let go and let God" You may find some agreement, and maybe even some change, but this will still not solve everything (of course!). Once you set your parameters, then you also have to accept that this is no guarantee that your mom, or anyone else, will always respect that. At that point, if someone whines or is unhappy...well, so be it. You will never make everyone happy, and there is little use feeling bad about that.
Practice this line: "Gee mom, I am sorry that you feel that way, I understand that you'd like me to do/feel otherwise, but this is how it is, and I hope that you can accept that, and go on from there"
P.S. I mentioned it before: I think having some outside help during this time of stress and crisis only makes good sense, whether it is in the form of help cleaning/cooking/running errands, or a little counseling/"spiritual" aid! There are times when everyone will be simply too stressed out to either be wholly rational, or even be able to deal physically with the day to day challenges.
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usa2k
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|  Re: [Serious] Need Some Advice
Wow PeteC2  ! For a know-it-all  You offered unusually very wise words!
Kristy,
some people can feel very bad if others seem displeased with them. If you are a people pleaser, then this heavy burden would surely be a tough one. Definitely keep yourself well, accept help like the cleaning service, and know we can't see/know your real circumstances.
You have done so much already, and proven to be a blessing of amazing helps to your family. People really do act odd when they are not well, so try (as hard as it is) to remember that its not a reflection on you, its just family that gets dysfunctional during extreme times.
BTW I should be the last person to offer an opinion! 
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Jim -- USA2K, VoIP since 12/2002, VOIPo in Beta since 2/7/2007
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