chadrob30
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join:2002-04-24
Fort Smith, AR
 ·Cox HSI
| Divorce advice...
Well, tonight the wife and I decided to go our separate ways after 9 years. We have agreed to do the divorce as quickly and painlessly (is there such a thing?) as possible. We have a house that she is going to stay in, her car, a Yukon that we are WAY upside down on, and some credit cards. The bad thing is that she has been in charge of the bill paying since we got married. I have signed my paychecks over to her and she has paid bills. Therefore, I have no access to any accounts, credit cards, etc. I guess I was naive to think that I didn't need access to any of this stuff, but it was convenient for me not to worry about it. I know I need to get a lawyer, but I don't have a lot of up front cash. Will most lawyers work with people on a payment plan? How will the Yukon be dealt with? I can't afford to keep the $500/ month payment, nor can she. Will we just turn it back to the bank and take the hit on our credit? We have one daughter together, and my wife swears she won't make me pay child support. We both will continue to live in the same city, so I will be able to see my girl quite a bit. I would hope to be able to come up with some kind of joint custody deal that we could work out ourselves. I also hope that my wife doesn't just say all this shit to try and appease me now, then turn into a bitch about it all later....any advice? |
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swintec
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| said by chadrob30  :I also hope that my wife doesn't just say all this shit to try and appease me now, then turn into a bitch about it all later If those arent the most famous last words, i don't know what are! Advice? I would put myself and the relationship with my daughter (if i had one)..first. Everything I have heard and read, these things can head south very fast so you better be prepared.
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planahead
join:2006-04-30
Somewhere | reply to chadrob30
Get a lawyer.
If it is not in the divorce decree then it is not happening.
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PrntRhd
join:2004-11-03
Fairfield, CA
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| reply to chadrob30
Been there done that.
Nothing wrong with a dissolution but get a decent lawyer specializing in family law NOW.
Joint custody is ok if you can actually make it work, but when kids and child support are involved a final decree is never actually final until the kids reach 18 years old.
Don't believe the estranged spouse about the support, you better get it fixed now in court because she will "change her mind" and you will end up paying total support in arrears. Most states only count support paid through the court system, and not payments outside of the courts.
My example of what can go wrong:
My ex moved in with the guy across the street yet was able to drag me back to court for 16 years by simply refusing to use the health insurance I provided and then claimed I was a deadbeat dad.
She agreed to pay half of the children's support in the dissolution but later filed and got full support less than 2 years later.
She claimed to encourage visitation but actually discouraged it, she was found in contempt on visitation and then claimed she gets to have a new hearing based on her attorney's poor performance. She violated the court order for her to seek counseling for her anger issues toward her father and me.
She claimed court orders applied to me but not to her. The court never sanctioned her for her behavior.
The family law legal system allowed her to file legal proceedings every other year and I had to attend court hearings until they figured out she did not have a case, then she would do it again.
When she found out she could not get her support raised to the level of spousal support at year 16 when her second husband died, she threatened to shoot me and my lawyer in front of her 5th! attorney in front of the judge's chambers. |
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chadrob30
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join:2002-04-24
Fort Smith, AR
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| reply to chadrob30
Thanks for the advice guys. I guess the one thing that is in our favor is that we aren't fighting and/or hating each other. We have simply just grown apart. There is no suspected infidelity or anything like that, our work schedules simply don't allow a lot of interaction and therefore we are more or less roommates instead of spouses. |
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LittlePiggie
Premium
join:2009-09-11
| reply to chadrob30
Lawyer!
You make one mistake doing this on your own and you can screw yourself.
One thing you both need to do right away is call the credit card company and tell them that you both want separate cards.
As for the money in the account if you both can't come to meeting of the minds then let the lawyer handle that part plus the custody of your daughter too.
The less the lawyer has to do the cheaper it will be.
As for the YUKON sell it! If you can't afford it, you can't afford it!
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chadrob30
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Fort Smith, AR | The bad thing about the Yukon is that yes, we could sell it, but we owe more than it's worth. What then? Put what we sell it for towards the note and continue paying the rest? |
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gatorkram
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| reply to chadrob30
Get a lawyer. I'd get one certified in family law. It makes a big difference. You might not have many around you, as it's extra school for them. It's also more expensive per hour.
Work with your wife and try to get some things worked out before you start the tab with the lawyers.
Some states have required mediation too, and that costs money on top of everything else.
9 years is a long time, have you tried therapy etc? Some states require it.
Good luck.
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The Folsom
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| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 :The bad thing about the Yukon is that yes, we could sell it, but we owe more than it's worth. What then? Put what we sell it for towards the note and continue paying the rest? If you turn it in or if it gets repo'd, the note holders may liquidate and bill you for the balance. It happened to me and wifeypoo.
If you do not pay, a lawsuit and possible garnishment of wages will occur.
Long story short, we're still paying for a repo'd vehicle.
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LittlePiggie
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join:2009-09-11
| reply to chadrob30
With the Yukon you can either sell it and get what you can and pay off the rest like you mentioned or you can just hand it back and take a big hit on your credit.
Me being old, do not need credit anymore. So I would hand it back. If you are sort of young then pay it off somehow. Maybe having a lawyer handling this type of stuff he/she can get your wife to pay half of the debt left on it after you sell it and pay off the loan as you both wanted it.
Lawyers will tell you the right way to handle this.
But, do the credit card thing as soon as you can, and both of you need to get together to call them, they won't change anything without her permission.
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heliox
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join:2000-11-28
Irvine, CA
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| reply to chadrob30
Lots of good info here, and state specific laws.
»www.divorcenet.com/
As other said, get the best attorney you can afford. That doesn't mean you need to make it mean, but they know what to do.
I'm sorry about the divorce, I just concluded the two+ ordeal myself (20 years of marriage).
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madylarian
The curmudgeonly
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join:2002-01-03
Parkville, MD
| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 :Thanks for the advice guys. I guess the one thing that is in our favor is that we aren't fighting and/or hating each other. Yet.
Get a lawyer.
My brother was in a similar situation but the amicable divorce turned ugly pretty quickly when money and children were involved. He tried to do it your way and got royally screwed.
mady
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hortnut
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| reply to chadrob30
reading the other posts to date - you have been given some good advice. I will add my $.02.
First thing I would do is to find a Support Group for those dealing with Divorce/Separation. You are going to start the ride of your life.
Interview Attorney's and contact your local Bar Association to see if the have a Special Program for reduced rates.
As to Joint Debt - it will follow you after the Divorce, even if the Decree says debt A is yours and debt B is hers. Those you owe money do not care about the decree, they only care about who they can collect from. Sell all and pay off what you can. Screw who gets the house, if there is equity, sell it and pay off other debts. Focus on your child and not your credit rating, which may take a big hit, depending on your current balance sheet and future expenses [including atty fees]. I have known of a lot of guys who end up going Chapter 7 after a Divorce.
Get an Attorney with an eye on seeking Court Ordered Mediation. You know the old saying: a town with only one attorney will find that he/she is starving, add another attorney to that town and they both will live well. They do not give a Rats Ass about you or your daughter, only about how many billable hours they can get out of you.
If you turn the Yukon in and you will get less than kbb or nada "trade in" value on it and still owe on the full value of the loan less what they are able to sell it for. And most likely they will sell it at at auction, so the value will be even less than kbb or nada. Which can be a big chunk of change. In my area if a Court Judgment is obtained on any debt the Judgment is good for 10 years and can be renewed. One day you have money in the bank and the next it is gone, even 10 years later!
Do not count on whatever your spouse has said about visitation - all that can go south. You could soon be known as the worst Dad that ever lived once it goes to court.
As to Divorce it still is a Woman's world out there and Father's take a second seat. Even though she says no child support, she may not have a say in that. That is up to the Courts, The Judge and the Child Support Agency in your state. Just google Father's Rights.
In the long run it maybe better to try a separation with an eye to counseling and eventual reconciliation. I know a lot of guys who have gone through divorce and have had children and I know of none who have emerged on the other side better off. [Unless you are a Trump or a big moneyed dude].
This summer I finally threw out 4 large boxes of court papers and correspondence between myself and my attorney on my big "D", accumulated over 15 years.
Seriously - Good Luck and remember your mileage may vary.
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james
join:2001-02-26
antarctica
| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 :....any advice? Get a marriage councellor and work it out. If you're civil enough to agree to an amicable splitup, you're not nearly dysfunctional enough to justify divorce.
The only possible reason you would want to have a divorce if she isn't crazy is that you want to screw some other chicks. So if you REALLY want that, just agree to an open relationship. Problem solved. You'll get bored with that and be back to normal in no time.
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PrntRhd
join:2004-11-03
Fairfield, CA
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| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 :Thanks for the advice guys. I guess the one thing that is in our favor is that we aren't fighting and/or hating each other. We have simply just grown apart. There is no suspected infidelity or anything like that, our work schedules simply don't allow a lot of interaction and therefore we are more or less roommates instead of spouses. FYI, mine said she "did not want to hurt me, she just wanted out" at the beginning of the process, but it turned out she spent the next 16 years trying to emotionally and financially destroy me and used our children as pawns to that end simply because she could not bring herself to admit the failure of the marriage was due to her adultery, and admit her guilt. If she could drive me over the edge to suicide she would then be able to claim I was at fault by burying the evidence to the contrary.
People will do ANYTHING to "win" in a divorce. |
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nitzan
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| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 :I also hope that my wife doesn't just say all this shit to try and appease me now, then turn into a bitch about it all later....any advice? This is EXACTLY what she is doing. Trust me- I've been there, and many other guys have too. Right now it's the sweet talk "we'll just do it painlessly blah blah blah" until you wake up one day and your wife's got a lawyer and wants 90% of what you own.
The trick is - don't own anything. The less money you actually have - the less they can claim.
Considering you have a daughter - you WILL pay child support. The only question is how much. |
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aurgathor
join:2002-12-01
Lynnwood, WA
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| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 : We have one daughter together, and my wife swears she won't make me pay child support. Get everything in writing. The more thing you can agree up front should make things down the road easier. Not that she can't change her mind later on, though.
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dvd536
as Mr. Pink as they come
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join:2001-04-27
Phoenix, AZ
| reply to madylarian
said by madylarian :said by chadrob30 :Thanks for the advice guys. I guess the one thing that is in our favor is that we aren't fighting and/or hating each other. He tried to do it your way and got royally screwed. Divorce is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
The man is usually who gets fucked in the process.
»www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9OM05mC5_s
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Loco
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join:2002-11-09
So Cal | reply to chadrob30
Dude.....my sympathy goes out to you.
I guess i've been one of the lucky ones.
Been very happily married for 23 years now and my sugar mama is still the light of my life..:+)
I wish you the very best ! |
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avd706
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join:2003-02-06
Union, NJ
| reply to chadrob30
said by chadrob30 :Thanks for the advice guys. I guess the one thing that is in our favor is that we aren't fighting and/or hating each other. We have simply just grown apart. There is no suspected infidelity or anything like that, our work schedules simply don't allow a lot of interaction and therefore we are more or less roommates instead of spouses. If this is the case, try divorce counseling. But get a consultation from a lawyer first (about $100), he will tell you to get copies of all you financials. I don't know your states procedures, but he will also want to see your net worth the day you got married.
Also, I would try to wait for 10 years there are social security advantages to waiting that long even if you are separated b4.
Another thing, get everything settled and straight before you start dating again.
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