Devanchya
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Premium
join:2003-12-09
Ajax, ON
 ·Bell Sympatico
| [blogish] I feel guilty, I am not the best support
I really don't know if this should be posted here. I've googled around and couldn't really find anywhere else, and I need to get it off my chest.
I feel guilty. At a time when I should be the most supportive of my wife in her life time... I fell apart. In the last two months I have dealt with something I never even considered an issue before. Panic attacks, fear of death, and my body doing things I didn't expect.
Being a new first time father is going to be trying... I agree that there is stress that is added to ones life when they are expecting a child. There's a lump in her belly that has a small body of someone who will depend on you for everything.
In the last year I have had fears of losing my job nearly daily. I have had fear of relationship issue. I have lost good friends due to job cuts (and not living near work means it's hard to keep in touch).
Then I did the right thing. I got a physical exam to make sure I was going to be healthy for the baby. When I found out a test result was off... my body went into panic mode. For over a month I had nearly constant panic and anxiety. As it grew, the symptoms grew. I did the right thing again, and got professional help. It has helped. I am admitting to it, and will to anyone because I know how much it helped. But it hasn't solved everything, and I doubt it will. My body is returning to normal.
No I don't know if I'm healthy yet. I don't know if something is wrong. I could be 100% healthy, and look back on this with a laugh at how silly I was being. I have a specialist appointment in 20 days, which is 70 days after the first bad test. I have to tell my self to stop worrying.
Now the guilty part. I realized today how much my wife is trying to hide her stress over my break down. We talked, which is a good thing. I was the man who is the rock in her life, and I crumbled right when the sea was rising. I know I was not in full control of my break down... I also know that if I had the coping skills beforehand I could have handled it better.
The truth is, everyone is ignorant of some part of their life. What might feel like just stress could be a sign of not dealing with it correctly. A life time of learning to worry and fear is not something you notice with out a very bright light shined on you.
I feel guilty because I wonder if I 'let' the break down happen. Did I want to shine some of the spot light back on my life because my pregnant wife was the center of the show. I can't answer that question. I just know that I can not control how others feel, but I need to try and be strong for my wife. She is a very important part of my life. Our baby will be an important part of my life.
Is this just my way of handling the 'fear' of fatherhood? Is this my body giving me something to do while my wife goes through a very good pregnancy... Am I feeling guilty because I want to be guilty... or because that gives me an excuse to be less than I am.
Why am I posting this? One to get it off my chest. Mostly because I'm sure others have felt something similar in their life... and I hope it helps.
I now for this blog-like forum topic.
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»www.codecipher.com - Marking the way to tomorrow's solutions -- Did you know that Perl is not Dead? »perlisalive.org/ |
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urbanriot
join:2004-10-18
St Catharines, ON
 ·Cogeco Cable
| said by Devanchya  :Why am I posting this? One to get it off my chest. Wouldn't a therapist help you with all of this? |
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Last Parade
One of the Brightest Stars
join:2002-10-07
Port Colborne, ON | reply to Devanchya
blog.dslreports.com
but seriously that sucks dude |
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Devanchya
Smile
Premium
join:2003-12-09
Ajax, ON
·Bell Sympatico
| reply to urbanriot
I have talked to a therapist. I realize the post is really blog like and should be taken with grain of salt.
I really just wanted to get it out there, in the open. If it helps someone feel like they are not alone that is a good thing.
I don't know if posting this is even right. But it feels right.
I also know I'm not making the best of sense. It's amazing how becoming a father can completely change your view on life. But really it also amazing how much it can scare the crap out of you.
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»www.codecipher.com - Marking the way to tomorrow's solutions -- Did you know that Perl is not Dead? »perlisalive.org/ |
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urbanriot
join:2004-10-18
St Catharines, ON
·Cogeco Cable
| Well, glad you talked to someone and got things off your chest. It's certainly not my realm to try and guide you, as I don't have experience with friends having the same issue as you do (at least not openly) nor do I have the same problem after experiencing some serious health issues myself.
These feelings you're having, I don't think they're normal and I believe you need some kind of focus in your life that directs your attention away from your issues. In another thread, I suggested intense exercising and proper sleep habits. You really need to find something to help you get your shit together and I don't know if you're going to find it here. |
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Rifleman
Premium
join:2004-02-09
p1a
clubs:
·Nexicom
| reply to Devanchya
Having a child and realizing you are now going to be responsible for another life can really change the way you think and feel about things.
About the guilt and nervousness----no matter how well you think you are hiding it your wife knows and the opposite applies also. When the child comes along they will sense your emotions also.
I would advise you to talk to your wife about your issues as much as possible and also about hers.
If you both avoid it you will drift apart trying to work things alone that affect you both anyways.
About the breakdown-----you can only do the best you can for the child. If you lived in box on a streetcorner that kid is still gonna think you walk on water.
Talk to your wife---hell cry about it if you feel like it. Listen to her issues also.
Bottom line is you can only do the best you can so try not to dwell on the things you can't forsee or control. |
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donoreo
Premium
join:2002-05-30
North York, ON
| reply to Devanchya
One thing that will change is your attitude once that baby is born. Sure, on an intellectual level you know your wife is having a baby, but it is not real until you see it. It did not really hit me until I saw those two little slimy squished up little things. They were so beautiful.
Right there some old deep down "manly" thing happens and you just know you have to do anything and everything to protect them. Sure it the whole thing is scary, but your willingness to do whatever you need to will give you focus.
I think your wife is doing a very good job, she has been supporting you during what is also a tough time in her life. You can repay her for that just by getting "better" (physically if there really is something wrong, or mentally by dealing with the stress).
Keep talking about it, it will not hurt. Get some exercise, it will help a great amount. I am feeling a lot of stress due to not much action on the job front but I am getting a lot of bike riding in though. It helps. I also take my camera with me and try to get some good shots too 
Back to the baby for a second, just remember you are only having one, you slacker!  However, go to babycoach.net and get 12 Hours Sleep By 12 Weeks (or chapters, amazon, etc). Read that book, follow the plan, it works for anyone else that we have recommended it to and it really, really helps with getting your life in order and that baby sleeping about 10-12 hours at night. That really makes a difference on the stress levels.
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The irony of common sense, it is not that common.
I cannot deny anything I did not say.
I have a personal vendetta against the improper use of "then" and "than".
I mock people who give their children odd spelling of names. |
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urbanriot
join:2004-10-18
St Catharines, ON
·Cogeco Cable
| said by donoreo :I think your wife is doing a very good job, she has been supporting you during what is also a tough time in her life. I agree. If I were experiencing the same psychological issues, there's no way in hell I'd convey them to my wife in this situation, as she'd have enough to deal with. A relationship needs stability, and if one of those pillars is crumbling, the relationship can easily fall apart some time later. At the same time, it seems you need to talk to someone... I'd continue seeing a therapist to see if that helps as I'd hate to dump this all on my wife. |
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