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Om Nom Nom

Lincoln, NE

2 edits
reply to Adalicia

You Awaken In Razor Hill (Part Fourteen)

> Track Beasts

yes sir right away sir
> Wish you were a Death Knight or Shaman so you could walk on water.

yes sir way ahead of you sir
> Curse the creators of the game for not making you able to stealth

and the horses they rode in on, sir
> Check if there are any of the sharks left in the water

Some. Not nearly as many, but more than enough to be extremely dangerous.
> Use Beast Lore on one of the sharks to gather more information

Oof. Their Beast Lore screen is a mangle of broken text. You don't think these mobs are supposed to exist, the game seems to be trying to reject them.

Luckily, you've been a Hunter long enough to pick up a few notable things:

They clearly move in swarms, but they're not sociable creatures. You're watching as they occasionally lash out at each other for no apparent reason. Usually, this seems to lead to nothing, but if one of them manages to draw blood on another, all hell breaks loose. Every Shark nearby latches onto anything wounded, anything bleeding, and just rips it apart.

Two of them have died this way so far, their bodies obliterated and consumed in seconds.

It appears their eyes are nearly useless, they often bump into things, but you can tell Acute Olfactory Organs when you see them. While on Land, they appear to hunt almost entirely by smell.

They're low to the ground, too, bodies squat. You bet they can Keenly Detect Vibrations, as well.

You test this out.
> Throw some rocks in the water to see if anything appears to eat them.
> Pretend to be a Rogue and throw a rock very far away from in an attempt to distract the sharks


You hurled one rock at a cluster of Sharks far away from you. The Sharks almost immediately next to where your rock pattered down began lashing around, looking for something to destroy, but all the rest are only being attracted by the noise of those exact Sharks, not the rock itself.

Looks like they can't Detect Vibrations so well on land.

You pop a rock in the water and oh holy fuck look at that

The water roars and lashes as several Starving Amphibious Sharks erupt from the ocean, ripping and snapping at thin air, each other, anything nearby, before slowly settling down.

Yeah. Wow. 'Kay. They can detect the shit out of vibrations while underwater. Good to know.
> Slowly move around the outskirts of Sen'jin towards the ocean, watching the sharks

You shuffle on your knees, trying to keep as much distance between yourself and the Sharks as you can, but there doesn't seem to be any real way you can get all the way to the shore without shuffling past at least a few of them.

You've made it as far as the Wrecked Voodoo Stand. There are about a hundred yards and thirty Starving Amphibious Sharks between you and the Ocean.
> If there ARE sharks still in the water, attempt to construct an explosive out of the items in your pack.
> If successful, take off the castus costume, fling the bomb at the sharks on the shore, fire your gun at the sharks in the water, and swim to the islands for dear life.

Well, it'd be pretty hard to make your Flail of Certain and Indiscriminate Doom any more explosive without first dousing it in Wrathful Juju and you're pretty sure if you do that, the world will just end.

After seeing how fast those things ravaged your Small Rock, though, you're not sure just swimming across will be enough.
> Consider taming one of these sharks. They seem pretty cool, after all.

Here's an idea. One of these guys on your side might be pretty cool.

Now, you just have to figure out how you'd possibly survive the Taming process, and you're set.
> Become sparkly

You're already sparkly! To become any more Sparkly, you'd need some kind of Light Source!

Speaking of which, you're actually really glad you've got this Encrusted Sparkly Foul-Smelling Substance all over you, as you smell pretty much indistinguishable from any given decades-old rotting corpse.

You're pretty sure this is why the Starving Amphibious Sharks haven't noticed you at all.

Jesus. You actually did something right?

If you ever get out of here, you swear to send a letter to Ripley's, because you just don't fucking believe it.
> cast Call Stabled Pet, and see what (if anything) else is in there other than Scratchfever.
> If there's an empty spot, put Scratchfever in it, then try to find a shark off by itself

You close your eyes and focus your Arcane Energies, peering through the aether into your Stables.

There's your Cobra, Stranglehold. You don't really like using him, as he got serious Attitude Issues and often "forgets" the difference between your leg and your target's leg.

Yup, there's an empty space here. It used to be filled by your Un'goro Thunderer, Weekendwarrior, but the two of you had a 'parting of ways' due to 'differing directions' and 'creative differences', plus you got sick of him winging feces at the back of your head every single time you looked the other way.
> Dismiss Scratchfever and use the remaining piece of salted fish to distract one of the sharks while you tame it.

You give Scratchfever a loving pat on the head and whisper to him how very much you envy him right now as you stow him securely away in the safety that is the limbo of your Stable.

Rest well, noble cat.

Right then. Let's get us a Shark with some fucking legs.

Now that Scratchfever is tucked away, you draw the final Salted Fish from This (badly burned) Thing and plant a Frost Trap on the ground.

heeeere shark shark shark shark shark

got a fishiiieeeeeee

niiiiiice salty salty fishiiiiieee

One of them, relatively nearby, grunts, shifting thick, powerful legs as it awkwardly wheels about in your direction. Tiny black eyes stare blindly at you as it begins to drag its way towards you.

You shuffle backwards and away, drawing it farther and farther towards the outskirts of the town.

liiiittle closer... liiiiiiittle closer...
> fire a Freezing Arrow at it, then attempt to tame it

It steps square on the Frost Trap and recoils as the ice sweeps its feet out from underneath it, planting it squarely on the ground in a splattering heap. You fire a Freezing Arrow right between its eyes and lunge in as it is swiftly encased in a block of solid ice.

You plant both your hands against the ice and begin the tame.

Hearts start flying up out of his head.

You've never really been sure why this happens.

(Tednugent has Tamed a New Pet!
Tednugent has Tamed a Starving Amphibious Shark!
Starving Amphibious Shark temporarily renamed "Your Shark".
What would you like to name your Starving Amphibious Shark?
Your Shark's Happiness is at 0%!
Your Shark is A Pit Of Endless Ravening.
Your Shark has gained Skill: Claw
Your Shark has gained Skill: Bite
Your Shark has gained Skill: Lurk
Your Shark has gained Skill: Devour
Your Shark has gained Skill: Surf
Your Shark has gained One level of Loyalty!
Your Shark is now the Starscream to your Megatron.)

At 0% Happiness, the very first thing Your Shark tries to do is rip your leg clean off and eat it.

As fast as you possibly can, you stuff all four Chunks Roast Pork down Your Shark's throat, while doing your absolute damndest to keep your hands as far from those teeth as you can.

(Your Shark's Happiness is now 55%!
Your Shark is A Pit of Endless Ravening.)

Oh, wow, that was all your food and it didn't do much.

You supplement this with a volley of Glyphed Mend Pets.

(Your Shark's Happiness is now at 45%!
Your Shark is a Pit of Endless Ravening.)


It's not that the Glyphed mend Pet failed, or that it's giving any less Happiness than it gave to Scratchfever, what's happening here is Your Shark's Happiness appears to constantly drop at an alarming rate, signifying that it is always always hungry.

It snuffles around your legs, grunting and bumping against you in a manner you can't tell is indicative of a devoted bond, or just him trying to figure out if you're edible.

Oh, this will end well.
> Contemplate making that Flail of Certain and Indiscriminate Doom explode in that group of sharks...
> This sneaking BS is for pussies. All of my CDs are up.. It's time to kick ass... RAMBO STYLE, BITCHES!. Besides, if they're oozing puss all over the place, they're probably really squishy, amirite?

You stand up, shedding the Cactus Disguise and stowing it quickly as you pull your Flail of Certain and Indiscriminate Doom out of your pack.

Enough of this. Enough running. Enough hiding. Enough comedic incompetence. Enough sneaking around like you're some piddling fucking Rogue too scared to come out and fight like a man.

It is time these primitive motherfuckers learned why Hunter is the OG OP.

You swing the Flail over your head and set Your Shark on Aggressive.

"STRENGTH AND HONOR YOU IMPOSSIBLE SONS OF BITCHES," you roar as you let the Flail sail from your hand, "LOK'TAR OGAR"

The Flail hits the sand near the Ocean's edge and immediately bursts into a brilliant ball of vibrant green flames with a roar like the deathknell of a God.

The shockwave flattens the entire village of Sen'Jin, just pushes it down flat, nearly blasts you clean off your feet, and sends Starving Amphibious Sharks and their component parts hurtling in all directions.

You brace yourself against the storm of Shark Parts that comes raining down on you and Your Shark just completely loses its shit, launches itself forward and devours as many chunks as he can, instinctively lunging at anything that so much as comes close to him. Your Shark battles mightily against three Wounded Sharks at once, forcing them back away from his Meat-Filled Crater or pulling them apart and adding them to it.

(Your Shark's Happiness is now 75%!
Your Shark is an Endless Pit of Ravening)

The blast from your Flail seems to have seriously injured most of the Sharks on the beach, nearly all of them not currently desperately defending themselves against Your Shark are in the process of tearing each other to ribbons, devouring each other whole.

Coolly, you shoulder your rifle, take careful aim, and fire exactly five rounds.

"Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you" you grunt as each bullet smacks between the eyes of a Wounded Shark, punching their heads open and cleanly dropping them flat for Your Shark to tenderly savage.

Your Path to the Ocean's Edge is now clear.

Damn right.

(You now have Seven Hundred and Forty-Five (745) Saronite Shells)
> Be sure to sing a song that little Orc boys sing while smashing rabbits with large rocks and sticks.

What am i see over dere
What my eye see o-ver dere
My eye see bone that need be crush
My eye see skull that need be mush
Dis am what be o-ver dere

What am i see over dere
What my eye see o-ver dere
My eye see Human got-ta stomp
My eye see Dorf I got-ta romp
Dis am what be o-ver dere

What am I see over dere
What my eye see o-ver dere
My eye see fires raging hot
My eye see vanquished, sorry lot
Dis am what be o-ver dere

It loses a little in the translation. In the original Orcish, it's quite beautiful.
> Rename shark "Landshark"
> Rename Your Shark to Sharkeatshark

Paralyzed with indesicion yet again, you take matters into your own hands and name Your Shark "Larry."

(Your Shark has been named Larry!
Larry's Happiness is now at 75%!
Larry is a Pit of Endless Ravening.)

> Scavenge as many fishing hooks as possible

No use. The ones made of metal have all melted and the ones made of bone have pretty much vaporized.

You still have the one Fishing Hook on your Fishing Rod at least, should you find any Fish that require Hooking.
> take bloody bath in the shredded meat spong that was once a shark all the while cooing like an owl

You get some distance from Larry, grab two handfuls of Shark Giblets and just go ahead and rub your fucking face in it, hissing "om nom fucking nom you shark motherfucker, in Sen'Jin Village, Hunter eats you."

Larry makes a grunting noise somewhere nearby and you quickly wash the gunk off your face with seawater before he notices.
> once finished with blood bath sail across river on a shark-raft made from the dismembered parts of the sharks.

You send Larry to sweep the beach for anything remotely edible (no, seriously, you wanted him to do that, it's not that he's totally ignoring you or anything) and gather up as many Inedible Shark Parts as you possibly can, coming up with a small pile of mangled heads and half-chewed tailfins.

When you're positive nobody's looking, you produce your Needle and Thread again from some secret panel sewn into your Cloak.

Your fingers blazing, you swiftly Stitch the Inedible Shark Parts into Sort Of A Raft, Kinda, If You Squint Your Eyes And Don't Focus On It.

About the time you begin fashioning a Sail for it out of Ragged Shark Skin, Larry notices what you're doing, waddles over and eats it.

(Larry's Happiness is at 95%!
Larry is a Pit of Endless Ravening)

> Reconsider taming that goddamn shark... and then consider if you could successfully use it as a decoy for getting you across the river... or maybe use -it- as a means to get across.
> Surf on my shark, being careful not to wash off the smelly stuff and make myself a tasty meal idea, to the isles.
> Use HM 03 to teach the shark Surf, so that it is rideable in the ocean
>Climb aboard its back and urge it towards the Echo Isles.
> Smirking at the recently victory against a horde sharks, walk in slow motion towards the beach, with dramatic music in the backround.
> Revel in your fucking awesome victory by tearing out an insanely epic riff on your Arcanite Ripper, having done all that awesome carnage WITHOUT LIQUID COURAGE. Fuck yeah.

It's a bit of a kick in the balls at this point, but even flush with this much adrenaline you still fear you may give a Lame Devotion to the Lord of the Chord, which would put a serious dampener on this fine mood you've got going.

You elect to do the next best thing.

Your face stony, your hands clasped behind your back, shoulders squared, chest out, you step through the wreckage like a visiting lord, striding over still-quivering bodies, stepping around Burnt-Out Remains of buildings and walk, cool as can be, to the sea.

You snap your fingers.

Larry, who's Happiness is pretty damn close to as high as it seems to get after all that gorging, waddles into the ocean and waits patiently, floating there before you.

You step regally onto its back and stand like you have all the time in the world and then some as it drifts like deadwood across the water, ferrying you away from the absolutely Ruined Beach coming to a gentle halt at the coast of the first of the Echo isles.

Calmly, casually, you step off Larry's back and onto the Echo Isles. Larry lets out a dreadful, warbling grunt as he pulls himself out of the ocean, to your side.

Fuck yeah indeed.
> /target Larry
> /lick

Great. Now you're heaving and retching all over the beach again. Way to ruin the moment.

(Larry's Happiness is now 75%!
Larry is a Pit of Endless Ravening)

............. ............. ............. ............. ............. ............. ............. ............. ............. .............

You are standing on one of the Boundary Isles, one of five small islands surrounding the considerably larger Main Isle.

This entire area is draped in cotton-thick fog, a veil of grey that shrouds almost everything. You know that the Main Isle is to the East of you, and squinting your eyes you can just barely make out its shores.

This island appears pretty much empty, there are a few Bedraggled Palm Trees but nothing that appears to be moving. You can't even see the Abyssal Darkness through this fog.
> Once arriving, activate Track Humanoids and search for Zalazane

There. Found him. Right where he always is. In the dead-center of the Main Isle.

He's the only Humanoid on your Tracking, but he is definitely there.
> Dip one of your bullets into the Mojo. You've had worse ideas, and this might actually be able to kill something immune to normal bullets.

You haven't found any Mojo yet - assuming Mojo isn't just another word for 'Troll Sweat' - but you're pretty sure you meant your Juju.

You take a very deep breath, close your eyes and select a single Saronite Shell from your ammo bag. You hold it up to your eyes, inspecting it carefully.

Seems as good as any.

Carefully, ever so very, very carefully, you produce your Bag of Wrathful Juju and tug the strings open.

There is a soft roar all around you as that bag begins to open, like voices, thousands of voices, screaming, crying, moaning, laughing all at once, a storm of thoughts and emotions and memories you never had raging and enveloping you.

The Bag of Wrathful Juju is rumbling and quaking visibly in your hand, sending painful shockwaves up your arm. It's extremely difficult to hold on to it.

Steeling yourself for the worst, you plunge the Saronite Shell into the bag.

There is a very bright light.

There is a very loud noise.

You are blasted clean off your feet, your back hits the ground so hard your legs come up and over you and your tumble ignominiously into one of the Bedraggled Palm Trees.

Larry has been knocked over onto his back by the force of the Juju Eruption. He flails wildly, wailing pitifully, apparently unable to right himself.

(Larry is now at 55% Happiness!
Larry is a Pit of Endless Ravening)

You look around and check yourself quickly. Both hands, arms, legs, feet intact. No blood. Health maxed. You're okay.

Red light sheds down on you. You look up.

Words are forming over the very air itself, large, friendly letters in bright red:

Thank you for choosing Da Voodoo for all your deus ex machina needs!

The words slowly fade away.

You look down into your hand.

(Tednugent has received item: Saronite Godstorm Shell)
> Put down Freezing Trap and step in it to Cryogenically Freeze yourself until it's all Ok.

You slap down a Freezing Trap and stomp the activation core, locking yourself into a block of ice.

The ice quietly despawns twelve seconds IN THE FUTURE. You look around.

Not, not exactly 'all okay'.

But things seem to be looking up.
Lore Nerd. Role Player. Raid Leader. Discipline Priest. Slightly Annoying. Also Likes Kittens.