FFH5 Premium Member join:2002-03-03 Tavistock NJ
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FFH5
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2012-Oct-19 7:49 pm
Things a court reporter hearsCourt reporter cites: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ (My Favourite) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ____________________________________________ (Another favourite) ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
FFH5 Premium Member join:2002-03-03 Tavistock NJ
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FFH5
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2012-Oct-19 10:45 pm
Lawyer JokesQuestions About Lawyers Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator.
Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion? A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70? A: Your honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one? A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: Whats the difference between a shame and a pity? A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, thats known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, thats a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech> A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Final home for lawyers Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Two Kinds of Lawyers There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Mark Twain notes... "It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."
Bad Reputation Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.
People Drowning If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
This is a TRUE news story. NOT a joke. A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Lawyers and Alligators Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" Alligator "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
Postal Service Goof The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Minister and Lawyer in Heaven A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments. "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite." "This is unfair!" cried the minister. "Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen."
Heaven Getting Crowded One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didnt really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Brass Rat A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, Its been returned twice already, and I dont want to see it again. Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow it into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, Look, I told you there would be no returns. The man quickly replied, Oh no, thats fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.
Guess Who A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. |