A man and his wife go to the hospital to have a baby. When they arrive the doctor tells them he has invented a new machine and would like them to try it. He explains the machine will reduce the pain of childbirth for the mother and transfer the pain to the father. The doctor asks if they would like to try it. The man initially declines, but his wife says yes, he will help her with the pain. As the wife's labor progresses, the husband declares that the doctor can turn the machine up as he is feeling no pain. Of course the wife agrees, but the doctor balks. The doctor says no man can live through the pain of childbirth, but finally relents and turns the machine up to 40%, then 50%, then 60%, and continues turning it up until the wife is having a very pleasant labor. The husband is still relatively comfortable. Finally the baby is born and they go home from the hospital...only to find the milkman dead on their front porch.
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Kentville Advertiser Newspaper in Kentville , N.S. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The following morning the farmer drove up, and said: "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news for you, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied; "Well then, just give us our money back." The farmer said; " Can't do that...I went and spent it already." They said; "Okay then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked; "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said; "We gonn'a raffle him off." The farmer said; "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said; "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked: "Say...what'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" Curtis, said; "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonn'a do." Leroy added; "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said; "My Lord, didn't anyone complain...?" Curtis said; "Well, the feller who won was really upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing Harper's investigation of the Senate and the spending scandal.
Feeling it was time for a shake up, a company hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
My "Orange" cousin-in-law told me the following joke this weekend.
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A staunch Orangeman from Belfast is in a bad traffic accident and won't last more than a few hours. He asks his family to bring in a Catholic priest so that he can convert before he dies. They are shocked, but he insists and they comply with his request. After the priest leaves, they ask why in the world he would have turned his back on a life so devoted to Protestantism. "If someone is going to die," he responds, "wouldn't you rather it be one of them?"
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses... until they stop running. 2. Strike while the... bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before... Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of... termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but... How? 6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. 7. No news is... impossible 8. A miss is as good as a... Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new... Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust... Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the... pigs. 13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's... pollution. 15. Happy the bride who... gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is... not much. 17. Two's company, three's... the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.. 22. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you... See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way 25. A bird in the hand is... going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26 Better late than... Pregnant
Should children witness childbirth? Good question.
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yrold girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his butt again!'
I know you will have to smile over this... so don't try to hold it back. Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde No.1 "Do what?" asked Blonde #2. "Send my lawn out to be mowed."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
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