Topic 'Some jokes & funnies....' in forum 'Canadian Chat' - dslreports.com

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 21 May 2013 02:58:04 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

You misunderstood the scenario I was conveying and vandalism, no matter how easy you believe it is to clean, still makes you an asshole... and a law breaker.

True... But I'll present 2 scenarios...

1) A person parks normally in their parking spot and gets their car vandalized. My reaction: Running out and taking pics of the offender and his licence plates

2) A person parks like a prick, smack in the middle of 4 parking spots in a crowded lot. My reaction: A good laugh, wouldn't feel too sorry for them if they got caught, though

As you've noticed, when I came across a situation where a person deliberately parked like a prick, I didn't vandalize his car behind his back. I told him to his face.
--
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.
�George Bernard Shaw

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:27:31 EDT

Robrr posted : Park properly or park like an ass and it still doesn't matter.

I just nicely washed the truck up today before taking my wife over to the Walmart garden centre that was open today. Parked normally several spaces away from everyone else and I still came back to a 4 inch scuff mark and a dent in my door :(

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 20 May 2013 20:00:41 EDT

urbanriot posted :

said by FiReSTaRT:

You misunderstood the scenario I was conveying and vandalism, no matter how easy you believe it is to clean, still makes you an asshole... and a law breaker.

Calvin and Hobbes, funny.
Vandalism... not funny.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:37:06 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

said by urbanriot:

I've been in situations where multiple cars in a row have all parked wrong because of one asshole down the way and the only free spot is the one in between other wrongly parked cars.

I've seen that happen and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, these spots offer a world of space so the minivan driver had no legit reason to park like that.

Also, it's latex paint on a glass surface - 15min to clean up with a scrubbing sponge and hot water.
--
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.
�George Bernard Shaw

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:25:52 EDT

urbanriot posted : Whoever did deserves to get a solid punch in the face as it's not always the person's fault that parked that way.

I've been in situations where multiple cars in a row have all parked wrong because of one asshole down the way and the only free spot is the one in between other wrongly parked cars. Later on the situation naturally sorts itself out so it looks like the person that wasn't an asshole is the asshole.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 20 May 2013 18:26:47 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : I lulzed :D

Reminds me of an exchange with some punk kid who purposely took up 4 parking spots at a reasonably busy lot.
-That's a piss-poor parking job, dude
-I don't want anyone scratching my car
-Someone might scratch it on purpose
-That's why I'm sitting here, next to the window
[A rusty old pickup truck pulls out and gouges his car pretty badly, no chance to get the plates - look on his face after receiving some poetic justice - PRICELESS ;) ]
--
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.
�George Bernard Shaw

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 18 May 2013 10:53:28 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : On hold for Velcom... 5 hours and counting, will get b/w 5.5 and 6hrs.. A bit of understated humor on that topic..

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Thu, 16 May 2013 22:59:18 EDT

WhaleOilBee posted :
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die…they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:26:56 EDT

BigSensFan posted : Saw this yesterday

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:21:07 EDT

capdjq posted : Employee Notice For Old People ...

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government of Canada has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Canadian Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
--
We hold cops to a higher standard because we give them a gun and a badge. Only trouble is we recruit them from the human race.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:50:54 EDT

vue666 posted : Q: How are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:29:00 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

Remember, guys and gals.. Check the mirrors before you pop one up ;)

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Fri, 10 May 2013 01:53:17 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

said by markf:

A Canadian mugging in California. Look at the plates when they're pulling into the driveway.

Hence the quotation marks.. I'm betting those guys don't have much of a production budget ;)

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Fri, 10 May 2013 01:28:15 EDT

markf posted :

said by FiReSTaRT:

Mildly entertaining but it's "Canadian" ;)

A Canadian mugging in California. Look at the plates when they're pulling into the driveway.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Thu, 09 May 2013 17:01:10 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 07 May 2013 17:03:53 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : A little more Canadian courtesy ;)

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 05 May 2013 19:26:22 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 04 May 2013 22:43:31 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : Mildly entertaining but it's "Canadian" ;)

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR5rIv4Qros

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 16:50:44 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:51:24 EDT

Thane_Bitter posted : Haha! Awesome

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 08:24:10 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : Evil :D

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 06:28:50 EDT

Robrr posted :

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb-1XiHGjtM

No comment :D

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 19:37:30 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps7QQ170S2U

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:06:20 EDT

milnoc posted : Glad they didn't include a rabbit's eating habits! :D

»en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit#Die···g_habits

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 11:06:33 EDT

HiVolt posted :

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnydFmqHuVo

i nearly pissed myself on this one
--

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 08:57:52 EDT

milnoc posted : Discovered this over the weekend.

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=I03UmJbK0lA

(actual Kmart ad)

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 23:45:10 EDT

graniterock posted : It's tax time and Ron Swanson has two very important reminders for us during this difficult time:

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiwsnHWl8mM

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py7OHW3HELk

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 23:19:38 EDT

jaberi posted :

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 22:09:23 EDT

milnoc posted : I'm not heading to FunnyJunk's Web site under any circumstances. They blatantly and intentionally steal other people's content.

»theoatmeal.com/blog/funnyjunk

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 22:00:13 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : Let's try..

Works.. remember it's img on one side and /img (slash) on the other side. Also remember to use the link to the image file (in Opera, there's a "copy image address" option) and not the link to the webpage that also contains the image.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 21:52:36 EDT

jaberi posted : thx Fire..........got it! :D

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:01:33 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

said by jaberi:

how do we post an image here?

I will give you an example, just substitute ( brackets with ] brackets, otherwise the forum will think I'm trying to post an image link. Let's say you have the link to an image you saw on the world wide interwebz or uploaded to a hosting site.. To post an image, you'd do:

(img)www.linktopic.xxx(/img)
--
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.
�George Bernard Shaw

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 04:52:03 EDT

jaberi posted : how do we post an image here?

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 16:06:56 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : I love Li'l Kim :D

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 18:57:46 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : How do you say uh-oh in Korean? :D

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 11:50:20 EDT

capdjq posted : Only an "Aussie tradie" called Bob, could think of a name like this!!

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 05:31:53 EDT

jaberi posted : The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 00:45:45 EDT

Walter Dnes posted : A cruise ship suffers an explosion in the engine room, and in the process, blows away the lifeboats. The ship is starting to take on water, and it looks like it'll go down before help can arrive.

One woman realizes what's happening and stands up at the front of the cabin and takes her clothes off. She yells... "I know I'm going to die. But I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there any man here who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?".

A lumbering 6-foot guy walks up to her. He takes his clothes off. He hands his clothes to the woman, and says... "Here, iron these for me".

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:55:08 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 22:27:55 EDT

Robrr posted : »FunnyOrDie.com/m/7w3q

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 17:47:14 EDT

WaitForGodot posted : Checked in with AC for a flight to London last week. Had 3 bags. Made a special request. I asked for one bag to be sent to Madrid, one to Glasgow and one to Oslo. The stern AC staffer behind the counter stated bluntly " We cannot do that sir". " Why not?" I replied. "you did it last time I flew to London."....

(Credit to ronny t)

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 16:30:05 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted : Women are angels, sent to Earth by God, so he can finally have some peace up there ;)

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 20:34:34 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

said by milnoc:

I don't know if I should laugh or be afraid of that one. USA backed "revolutions" have resulted in many deaths and atrocities in Central America.

Both and pray that they don't take more interest in our country :D

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 20:00:47 EDT

vue666 posted : I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head

...

but from a distance they looked like hares.... LOL

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 16:10:12 EDT

milnoc posted : I don't know if I should laugh or be afraid of that one. USA backed "revolutions" have resulted in many deaths and atrocities in Central America.
--
Watch my future television channel's public test broadcast!
»thecanadianpublic.com/live

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 16:05:14 EDT

FiReSTaRT posted :

Re: Some jokes & funnies....

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 00:45:34 EDT

milnoc posted : "It's an inspector from the French Language Office who's back from a trip to France."