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join:2002-03-03
Longport, NJ
kudos:5 | reply to vue666
Re: Some jokes & funnies.... Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: Where do you find a one legged dog?
A: Where you left it.
Q: What did the water say to the boat?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
A: Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!
Q: In which school do you learn to make ice cream?
A: Sunday school! ay!
Q: How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Add twenty four carrots!
Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinner's on me.
Q: Where does the one legged man work?
A: At IHOP.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a doctor?
A: Lots of blood
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: Why didn't the orange cross the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why did the Orange go out with a Prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a Date!
Q: Why is it difficult for a pirate to learn the alphabet?
A: Because he's always gets lost at "C"
Q: How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?
A: Its a chew!
Q: What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
A: Man, it's nacho day!
Q: How do scientists keep their breath fresh?
A: With experi-mints.
Q: What type of computer sings?
A: A Dell
Q: What type of shorts does a midget wear?
A: Short, Shorts!
Q: Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A: Because it makes you break out!
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: Did you hear about the guy in the car accident lost his entire left side?
A: I heard he's all right.
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q:What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match.
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: Whats a bear called without teeth.
A: A gummy bear.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll
Q: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?
A: Because he saw his phone bill.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Q: What did the fruit tree say to the farmer.
A: Stop picking on me.
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idear
Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A: Tell you tomorrow
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: On the school buzz!
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a cow who just had a calf?
A: Decalf-enated!
Q: What do you get when you cross a mean dog and a computer?
A: You get a mega-bite!
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
Q: Where does dracula keep his money?
A: In the blood bank
Q: If you hold 9 oranges in one hand and 10 lemons in another, what do you have?
A: Really big hands!
Q: What says "oh, oh, oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards
Q: Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?
A: Because he kept goin! and goin! and goin!
Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
A: “Give me my quarterback!”
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!
Q: What happens to cows during an earthquake?
A: They give milk shakes!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
A: Because she wanted to test the waters!
Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: He was to chicken.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: Roamin' Catholic.
Q: What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A: A Slipper.
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew! chew!"
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!
Q: What type of star is dangerous?
A: A shooting star!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: Sit next to their fans.
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?
A: B
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q: What is the only type of dog that knows what time it is?
A: A watch dog!
Q: Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?
A: The retail store!
Q: What does a grape say when it gets smushed?
A: Nothing -- it just lets out a little wine!
Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play.
Q: Why didn't the teacher fart in the classroom?
A: Because she was a private tooter.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Because your nose touches the ceiling!
Q: If a whole nation drove pink cars what would it be?
A: A Pink Car-Nation!
Q: What do you find in the middle of nowhere?
A: The letter "h"!
Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township
Q: What do you get when you cross a library and an elf?
A: A shhh....elf!
Q: What has holes but never spills water?
A: A sponge!
Q: What do you get when you cross sneeze and a punchline?
A: A sick joke.
Q. On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks. Who are those men?
A. They are the umpire and the catcher.
Q: What did one wall say to the other?
A: Meet you at the corner
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: What does a shark eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
Q: Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?
A: Because he had a big bill!
Q: Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
A: He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?
A: A conversation.
Q: What clothes does a house wear?
A: Address.
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
Q: What did the ghost say to the wall?
A: Hey, sorry just passing thru.
Q: Where do germs go on vacation?
A: To Germany.
Q: What do you call a guy with a spear?
A: Lance
Q: What do you call a guy with many spears?
A: Lancelot
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pie
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: Who has the right of way any time?
A: The car with gun rack and bumper sticker that reads "Guns don't kill people, I do."
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
A: Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q: What do you call a mushroom that parties?
A: A fun-guy.
Q: Why didn't the teacher believe the ghost?
A: Because she could see right through him.
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a teacher?
A: One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
Q: Why did the farmer win the nobel prize?
A: He was out standing in his field.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
A: Nah, I won't tell you, you might spread it.
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: No Eye Dear.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
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A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the public treasury. |
