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| reply to Mr Neutron
Re: What to say/do to get spendthrift relatives to cool it? I help resolve social problems as my day job so i can give some general advice but not specific to spendthrifts. It boils down to context (who: siblings, cousins, children) and to what degree their behavior affects you.
If you are observing a potential crash and burn but they aren't openly asking for advice or for your money the best way to go about things is informally. Try to slowly open the door to the topic and when it comes up try your best to not be judgemental. Your goal is to not scare off further conversation. Some ins could be to talk about those financial reality shows or even your own struggles to be financially responsible. Leave some awkward silences in the conversation and hope that the family member fills the void with some self-disclosure. Hopefully the door will open enough that you can gently offer some assistance in finding them a professional to work with.
If their behavior is directly affecting you and more specifically they are asking you for money (or guilting you into offering it) the door is already open and direct conversation is appropriate (although may not be received well). The important thing is to set clear boundaries and expectations of what you will and won't do and to enforce them. Treat any money you give as gifts and not loans. It will also be helpful to educate yourself about social services in the area such as food banks and soup kitchens. Offer these up as solutions rather than forking over cash. The inconvenience and embarrassment factor of these services may force your family member to reconsider their behavior. When you cut off the money this may not be well received but tell the family member if they want help finding professional financial planning help you are willing to do so.
The above really applies to family not living with you. If we're talking about a spouse or dependent child family councilling and direct, polite and non-judgemental conversation are key. (ie don't say "you are a bad mother for wasting our money." but rather I'm feeling stressed/angry because all of our money was spent on clothes and I'm not sure how we're going to pay for Billy's field trip). |
 BlitzenZeusBurnt Out CynicPremium
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| I should add if they are older there may be some social services you can report them to like adult protective services, namely for the elderly who can't take care of themselves, and are living in unsafe and unhealthy conditions. This will help fast track getting them out of that scenario, and making it so they can't return to the property if they even own it.
Even after my stupid moron of a mother would write checks which caused my father to bounce checks, and was removed from the accounts she got credit cards to only further threaten their financial future which she had the bills sent to a p.o box where she used the credit cards to pay each other on crap we never really saw. After she clearly couldn't pay them without his money, and it was clear she did this behind his back I'm sorry he didn't divorce her except he would still owe, probably having to pay her alimony for doing nothing besides putting him in worse position too.
In the event my father passes I will get her in a retirement home, or sanitarium as she clearly can't take care of herself. She'll buy craploads of stuff she doesn't need, and ignore the basics, then blame others for the position she put herself in.
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I distrust those people who know so well what god wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires- Susan B. Anthony
Yesterday we obeyed kings, and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to the truth- Kahlil G. |
