Sunday June 3rd
(jump earlier)
Note to DJ: Don't forget....May 31st, 2008
That's the date Katie and I have chosen to get married. We are engaged.  It's official. I asked her the night of May 19th, at my lil sis's high school graduation dinner at Red Lobster (yes, I got my sister's permission, and overwhelming support to do so!!!). It was a very memorable moment, and it took Katie by surprise. It was the first time, EVER, that Katie has blushed! And, yes, I was nervous as hell as well.
The wedding location has already been chosen, as has the photographer. We're getting married in The Pavilion at Lake Pines »www.lakepines.net, the same place where Katie's Mom and Stepdad got married in 2001. Katie wants it there as she feels it to be tradition. That, and it's a wonderful facility with a great staff.
Well, I'd love to post more, but I don't want to spoil anything! |
posted Sunday June 3rd, @08:12PM
Friday March 23rd
(jump earlier later)
Wedding bells keep ringing in my head
Talks of a wedding have resurfaced.
Wedding plans were put on hiatus for a few months starting in December, when Katie felt she wasn't ready to "settle down." She was angry at me for working such long, exhaustive hours and not spending nearly enough time with her. She was beginning to feel like a lonely stay-at-home wife.
Stress between us reached the breaking point on December 12th, when we nearly broke up (initiated by me, believe it or not!). Turned out that we couldn't live without each other, and we were sleeping together again that same night.  It's something that neither one of us could explain. I guess our relationship needed a little shake-up for us to realize how important we are to each other. And I've since made sure I give Katie as much time as she needs to be with me.
Well, here we are in March, and talks and plans for marriage are crazy! To think, I haven't even asked her yet!!! I don't plan on asking her until we go to Washington DC for her family's reunion in late June. I figure that would be the most romantic time to ask, when one couple is celebrating their 50th, and Katie and I can begin our own together.
So far we've received blessings from everyone in her family. I've yet to tell anyone on my side of the family, other than my sister, that we are making plans. I probably won't make the announcement to them until after we become engaged. There's too many folks on my side of the family who don't like Katie very well. The last time they saw her (Summer '06), she was in a deep state of depression and didn't like being around anyone, and she made it very clear to everyone! She's since made an incredible recovery, and I know my family will accept her again when they see the "real" Katie.
To be honest, I never saw this coming for the two of us. I knew we were in love. I realized the bond we had between us was unbreakable after what happened in December. I never realized how unbelieably, incredibly strong feelings two people can have for each other! As time goes on, our love continues to grow more intense.
Yes, I can definitely say, without a doubt, I've never been happier than I am now. |
posted Friday March 23rd, @08:55PM
Saturday October 14th
(jump earlier later)
If only I would get her that ring...
I've said already, and I'll say it YET AGAIN: No news is good news.
Katie and have been browsing around lately for an engagement ring. Just out of the blue, she asked me if I was ever going to pop the question. I was literally knocked off my feet when I heard her!
Yes, the love between us has been proven boundless. It's burning, raging out of control at times. She drives me insane, but in a good way. I do the same to her.
When I will ask her, I don't know. I know she WANTS me to ask her anytime, but it just feels too weird for me to be engaged when we've only been back together for FOUR months! She understands this, thank goodness, and is why she isn't expecting me to ask her anytime too soon. We both know deep in our hearts that we were meant to be, but what's the rush to get married? Right now, it's more fun being boyfriend and girlfriend.
Everyone (except her stepfather) in Katie's family appears to have accepted me, even though they all know I'm the one who impregnated her when she was 16. They trust Katie's decision in wanting to be with me again. Her stepfather is still holding strong to his grudge against me, but Katie and her Mother tell me he is finally starting to come around is going to ask to speak with me soon. We shall see how that goes. |
posted Saturday October 14th, @09:16PM
Wednesday July 19th
(jump earlier later)
My Katiebug
I've said it already: No news is good news.
Katie and I had a great time while on vacation. Our time together really helped to solidify the relationship. We both agreed, however, that we will no longer spend such long periods of time up there (Vermont) as we've both become too appreciative of big city life to leave it for so long. The tranquility and peacefulness of the country is awesome, but damn, we got tired of it toward the end. We arrived back home July 6th.
My only hope and goal of this vacation also came true. Katie finally found in her heart that she can date and truly love someone again. After a few days of being together and rediscovering who we were as close friends, I felt her darkened soul had healed enough that she could date again. I asked her the night of June 30th if she'd be my girlfriend. Without hesitation, she said yes. Katie and I officially became a couple, once again. Hopefully this time will last forever.
Since we've been home, the love Katie feels for me has grown tremendously, beyond belief. In fact, I believe her love for me is stronger now than it ever was in the past. Her love for cuddling has returned. Her need for me to show her constant affection has also returned, so much so that I'm having a hard time keeping up with her needs! Katie is no longer bound by the fear of being hurt by the one she loves. She knows that I'll never leave her. My love for her can't be broken, and she knows that. I knew deep down that Katie's heart couldn't ignore forever the deep, sincere feelings I had for her. It was only a matter of time before the barricade she had put up would come tumbling down when love came a knockin' and wouldn't stop!
In a way it still kind of freaks me out how close we've gotten in the relatively short time we've been together. But at the same time, Katie accepts that what I feel for her is the real deal, allowing herself to trust what her heart says. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and now she wants to as well.
It feels so good to hear Katie tell me "I love you D.J." And she says it so well.
More to follow later... |
posted Wednesday July 19th, @10:06PM
Sunday June 11th
(jump earlier later)
...
Sorry for the delay in updates. As always, no news is good news. For those who are following my journey...
Two weeks before Katie and I go on vacation for 10 days. We can't wait.
We're still growing closer, she's found it in her heart to love me.
I helped her this week to get her first cell phone. She went with Alltel, so we can talk as much as we want with mobile-to-mobile minutes. And that's just what we've been doing. |
posted Sunday June 11th, @05:33PM
Monday June 5th
(jump earlier later)
Marriage plans
Heh, some would think that after seeing Katie and me together this weekend. We were almost glued to one another the entire time. We walked elbow to elbow whenever we went out, occasionally holding hands for short periods. For the first time EVER, she came to me multiple times to cuddle.
Katie admitted to me, albeit without actually saying it, that she is falling in love with me. In a way she's a little afraid of what's happening between us, but she can't deny what her heart is telling her. For the past month she had been shielding herself from feeling any emotions, out of fear from being hurt again. This weekend I finally broke through that shield and saw that Katie is, without any doubt, capable of love again.
What happened this weekend never would've happened if we didn't have that major arguement last week. I was treating her like crap, in effect making it very difficult for Katie to have feelings for me again. I needed that wake-up call before Katie could finally see me for who I really could be.
We're going on vacation together in three weeks, which I'm really looking forward to, as is she. We're already making plans on what we want to do. If the same holds true for this vacation as what happened on our vacation two years ago, we'll officially be a couple again. However, I believe we may already be together before then. If anything, we'll be able to come back and Katie can tell her mother without any hesitation that she and I are a couple. |
posted Monday June 5th, @10:49PM
Thursday June 1st
(jump earlier later)
Phone calls
I'm scared to see what my cell phone bill for this month is going to be. I've burnt more than three hours talking to Katie this past week. It's alright, though, because the last time we talked this much was when we were together two years ago. I've got Alltel, so I think I'm going to go sign up for that Alltel Circle thing and add Katie's number to it.
That little statement about how I was glad Katie was going home for a while so I could finally get a good nights sleep...throw that out the window. She now calls me every night around 11:30 after she gets home from work. We usually talk for an hour to two hours or more. Just knowing that she's WANTING to call me whenever she can, day or night, it means a lot to me. She's so good to me, and I always let her know that. Ever since I made my promise to Katie last weekend, and keeping it, she's been treating me so much nicer.
Here's something else to throw in...her mom has just confided that she no longer is against Katie seeing me. She's now free to see me whenever she wants, which I truly believe will make it easier for Katie to take the next step with me. Before, Katie had no clue how she'd tell her mother that she was interested in getting back with me. Now, she's calling me all the time when her mother's home, which she never used to do unless she was home alone.
I'm just real excited that things between Katie and I are going so well. It could very well take a while still for her to come around and start dating again, but atleast I know her feelings for me are strong and growing stronger every day. |
posted Thursday June 1st, @05:40PM
Tuesday May 30th
(jump earlier later)
Never second best
It's amazing how little changes can bring such big results. It was difficult at first, but I found it easier as time progressed to keep my promise to Katie.
She's always had a way to get underneath my skin and make it boil, and of course I'd be forced to fight back, irritating her more so. Now, instead of getting angry and pissy with her when Katie gets into one of her moods, I just refuse to return any of her anger and instead try to be cheerful. There are those times, though, when Katie *really* goes off the deep end and will pitch a fit over absolutely nothing. That's when I smile and tell her she needs time for herself, and I leave her alone. I tried just that a couple of times this weekend, and it worked great!
Katie's truly a wonderful person, and I love her very, very much. But even so, we can't spend every waking moment with each other...it's just not possible. Being together all the time put a serious strain on us. It took me awhile to figure that out, resulting in our major fight last Saturday. Understanding I was smothering her, I gave her the space she required. For putting forth the effort, she officially forgave me yesterday.  Basically, we're back where we were before the fight, which I consider an absolute miracle considering how close we came to breaking off what we had built so far.
Anyways, she's gone back home for a while. In a way, I'm kinda glad, because I don't want to become too close to a person who doesn't yet share the same feelings for me. That, and I can finally get a good night's sleep!  Katie loves me very much as a close friend, but she hasn't found it in her heart to take that love to another level. Her heart is still with the asshole (her words) who she thought was "the one." While I truly believe Katie when she tells me that he really loved her, the boy was only 16 years old at the time, while she was 17/18. Katie was his first real love, but he treated her like total shit. He didn't trust Katie around her friends, always wanting her to himself. Jealousy ran rampant with him. For several months Katie tried to make their relationship work, but he eventually broke it off, completely shattering her heart. It's been about six months since their breakup, and she still hasn't fully let him go.
While I know it will take a very long time for Katie to share the same feelings for me as I feel for her, I will never feel second best to her ex. He treated her like total, absolute crap. He brought out the worst of Katie, some of which she still suffers from. She was never a hateful person before she met him, now she is. She would never hold a grudge against anyone, now she does. She used to trust people, now she trusts no one. Only recently did Katie come to realize that he wasn't right for her, even though she loved him dearly. Because she's coming to terms with how hurtful their relationship was to her, she's finding it a little easier to move on. Really, the only way she'll move on is with time. While I don't like the fact that it'll take a long time, I'm willing to wait it out. I've felt her emotions for me intensify over the last three weeks, so I know we have a future together. Katie is worth the wait. She knows I'll treat her the way she deserves to be treated. For that reason alone, I will never be second best. |
posted Tuesday May 30th, @10:12PM
Monday May 29th
(jump earlier later)
My guiding light...
Are guys capable of change? I don't know, but I sure need to prove that we are.
I've been such a fricking idiot, having treated Katie like crap for the last three weekends and not even realizing it. Last night was the breaking point for her, and until this morning I thought, more like feared, I had lost the only girl I've ever loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Today was my one and only chance to prove to Katie that I could be the man that she thought I was. Although I caught myself slipping up a couple of times, I now know it won't be impossible for me to keep up with that goal. I promised Katie that I will be the same man that I was today forever into the future. She wants to believe me, but fears I may slip into my old ways. Katie is my heart and soul, there is no way I can imagine life without her. This will be my guiding light back into her heart and regaining her trust in me.
To set the record straight, NO, I'm not a male chauvinist, by any means. I don't in any way or form tell Katie what to do or how to live her life. Katie doesn't take orders from anyone!!! She's one of the strongest, if not THE strongest woman I've ever known, which is what drew me to her in the first place.
The primary issue at fault is my desire to have Katie all to myself (i.e., nobody else with us when going out), and if I can't when the oppurtunity arrises, I become all moody toward her. This problem has been plaguing me since when we were in a relationship two years ago. Back then she just accepted it, since we were unable to freely see each other.
Now, we're able to see each other, but there's another issue (or there WAS). For the last year and a half, Katie was banned from coming over here. As such, she couldn't spend time with her best friend, my younger sister. Well, now that Katie can come over here, she of course wants to spend time with me, but also with my sister. For the last three weekends I've been resenting Katie for wanting to bring my sister along when going out. Katie and I weren't dating yet, so she felt it was only fair to invite my sister, especially since they haven't been able to hang out with each other for sooo long! Being the blockhead that I am, I didn't realize how awful I was acting.
Katie and I almost ended everything last night, but thankfully it didn't go that far. Never had I made her so upset. All of last night I was able to contemplate the reasons for what I had been doing wrong. This morning I went back to Katie and pleaded to her that I was completely wrong for what's happened, and that she's done nothing to deserve the treatment I'd been giving her. I also realized that if it weren't for my sister, Katie and I never would've met and fallen in love in the first place. My sister has every right to come with us when Katie invites her. I now welcome my sister to come, which I had never done before! 
Katie truly appreciated the effort I put forth today. I was able to open her eyes to the fact that I'll do anything and everything to keep from losing her. |
posted Monday May 29th, @02:41AM
Saturday May 27th
(jump earlier later)
Closer
Katie's over for the entire holiday weekend.
I'm proud to say that the bond we share has become stronger, and continues to do so, and that's she's slowing allowing herself to become "my girl" again. I believe over the last week she's had a chance to do some soul searching, and has found trust in me that she had been too blind to see before. |
posted Saturday May 27th, @05:50PM
Tuesday May 23rd
(jump earlier later)
Improving
I woke up feeling like shit, emotionally. Probably because I had dreams about Katie last night. Anyways, I had a busy morning doing installs, which helped out a lot. I got done around 2, and have been doing errands all afternoon. Later on I'm going to the gym to do the Body Pump thing...man do I like that class.
Right now, though, I have to go and pick up my buddy where he's getting his truck fixed and bring him home.
I'm trying to stay busy now, to keep myself from falling into a slump of depression. So far it's working.
On a positive note, Katie's parents are leaving for Michigan this Friday. Which of course leaves her the freedom to do what she wants to do without interference. I'm looking forward to it! |
posted Tuesday May 23rd, @05:16PM
Monday May 22nd
(jump earlier later)
Dumps
I'm so thankful for this journal, where I can unload all my thoughts and feelings. Many times I've felt nearly 100% better after writing here. Hopefully the same will be true after this entry...
I love Katie so much. She is what my world revolves around. And as such, when she's not here with me, my world becomes void. What makes matters worse, is that we're only best friends at the moment. How can I have such powerful feelings for my friend?
It's so bad right now that I don't even have the desire to go out and do things to keep myself busy, to pass the time for when she comes back over. Perhaps that's because she's been a state of depression for a while now, and hardly ever goes out except to go to work or the tanning bed. How the hell can a woman have so much power over a guy?
It's not like I hadn't tried to move on after our breakup back in '04. I tried, but everybody I met never tickled my fantasy. Katie tried to move on, but that mother fucker ex-boyfriend ended up shattering her heart and her trust in men. And here we were drawn back together, but she's afraid to take the next step. We almost took a BIG step last Saturday night, but thank god we didn't.
Right now we're good friends, who have feelings for each other. Katie's watching out for herself, not wanting to set herself up for another shattered heart. I'm not sure how long it'll take for Katie to heal. I just wish there was something else I could to do to help her other than being there for her. It hurts me so fucking much to see her hurting still. For the first time since I've known Katie, I feel powerless to help her.
Being powerless to help the one you love...nothing sucks more. |
posted Monday May 22nd, @07:07PM
Sunday May 21st
(jump earlier later)
I can be a fool sometimes
Since when does a man turn down sex with an incredibly beautiful woman? Last night, that's when.
I wanted, oh god how I wanted to have sex with Katie last night. She wanted it, she was all over me. Our hormones were skyrocketing out of control. We would've done it had I not held back.
I was able to prove that Katie has feelings for me last night, and as such things starting happening. But I was deathly afraid of having sex without there being LOVE. Maybe I'm a pansy, but sex to me is meaningless unless there's love from both sides.
Like a fucking idiot, as I'm *ABOUT* to cave and give her sex, I ask Katie if she loves me. Without hesitation, she tells me that she does, but that she can't say it, she's afraid to. Like an even bigger fucking idiot, I ask her again if she loves me. She tells me again that she does, but she can't tell me yet. It was at that point where everything came to a screeching halt.
She began having an emotional breakdown, like the old days before we had actual intercourse--where she wanted it and I refused because she was still too young, and she'd start questioning the validity of our relationship. Well, Katie didn't question our relationship last night, but rather her reasoning for us about to have sex without being in a relationship. What happened wasn't a mistake. We have feelings for each other, which can't be denied. But we obviously let things go too far last night.
What I want to know is, what would've been the outcome if we did have sex? It would've been glorious, powerful sex, I know that. But, would it have brought us closer, or made us feel more distant, having taken advantage of each other?
Today's a new day. We're as close as close friends can be, same as yesterday, if not closer. We were able to take control of a potentially disastrous situation, and for that I think the bond between us has strengthened to where it can't be broken. |
posted Sunday May 21st, @01:50PM
Wednesday May 17th
(jump earlier later)
The Walk
Katie walks this Saturday at 3PM. She's so excited. I'm so excited.
After her family get-together at Red Lobster that evening, she'll be coming over.
It was July 3rd, 2003 when I revealed to Katie my feelings about her. Almost three years have gone by, and the bond is still there. We've been through thick and thin, hell and high waters, and YET, we want that bond to grow stronger, now that nothing can stand in our way.
I love you Kathryn. Just four more days. |
posted Wednesday May 17th, @12:33AM
Monday May 8th
(jump earlier later)
The Truth Is Known
We had a great time together this weekend.
...
And now that the truth is known, and I couldn't feel better about what the future holds. |
posted Monday May 8th, @10:18PM
Saturday May 6th
(jump earlier later)
Dark presence with a bright future
She is so beautiful outside, but the warm soul Katie once had inside has been severely scarred. We talked a lot today, and I've come to accept why she's having a hard time getting back into a relationship.
She likes me, she enjoys spending time with me, and wants me to be around her. Even though Katie's heart is darkened, I know I can make her life brighter again. It's going to take a lot of dedication and patience, but I know I'll be victorious and reclaim the passion that was once between us.
Katie's parents have FINALLY accepted that she will do what she wants to do. They don't care anymore that she comes over to see me. (Miracle, perhaps?) She likes coming over here because it's peaceful, no constant yelling and screaming and fighting that she has to endure at her house.
I'm extremely confident now about what the future holds. Katie has suffered a lot of pain, lots of suffering, and too much heartache in the last year for any one person to bare. As such, she's not the same Katie inside that I once knew. But she's still Katie, capable of so much love. She (and I) will find a way, in time, to break down that barrier and rediscover her ability to love and cherish another human being.
More to follow very soon... |
posted Saturday May 6th, @07:35PM
(jump earlier later)
To not let go
We played. We rough housed. We joked around. The good ole days were re-lived. The past that I so cherish seems to be slowly making its way back to the present.
The feel of her skin, so smooth, so soft to the touch. Her tiny frame, so fragile. Her hair, so silky and rich, I love running my fingers through it. Her beauty, in such great quantity I can't begin to explain. Words can't describe her beauty, for which it couldn't be comprehended.
I held her in my arms. We snuggled. For a brief moment she allowed me to get naughty...for a very brief moment that is. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Any more, and I'd be worried. Scared, would be more like it.
It's 1:25 in the morning. She just turned in for the night downstairs on the couch. I have to get up before 7:00, and she'll probably be still asleep. I will kiss her on the forehead, and in a faint whisper, "I love you, Katie."
If only I could know what tomorrow will bring. |
posted Saturday May 6th, @01:29AM
Thursday May 4th
(jump earlier later)
The Truth
It will be known tomorrow. |
posted Thursday May 4th, @08:06PM
Sunday April 30th
(jump earlier later)
OMG
So much to tell, so much to say about last night. Dayamm!!! |
posted Sunday April 30th, @10:18AM
Saturday April 29th
(jump earlier later)
Undeniable beauty
I'm not going to talk about what's going on, but I can say this...
Katie came over this evening. I won't go into specifics why, as it's not important. I haven't seen her since last October, a few days after she turned 18.
We hugged, and for the first time in over a year, I actually felt something FOR her. The feeling that I want her, more than anything in the world. She could tell.
And for the first time in over a year, I didn't sense any cold feelings from her. All I could feel was genuine kindness, which I haven't felt from her since before we were forced apart from the abortion.
Once she finishes school in May, I will know what the future holds.
That's all for now. |
posted Saturday April 29th, @07:37PM
|
DJ