how-to block ads
|
|
Uniqs:
446 |
Share Topic
 |
 |
|
|
Anon | From the Creator of the AOL.EXE Virus
One of my loyal readers of Joke A Day who WASN'T fooled (because he had more than two brain cells to rub together) over the "AOL.EXE virus" wrote me to let me know this forum was out here.
How cool.
Several of my readers had concern for me being sued. Please. If I had a dime for every time I've had a lawsuit threatened, I wouldn't need to be running a joke site. I'd be sipping strawberry daiquiris off of Sarah Michelle Geller's belly button in my palatial estate on Maui.
As I explained to one letter writer, AOL is out no money at all. Sadly, THEY can't sue me. While having this covered by CNET was nice publicity, a lawsuit from AOL would bring all kinds of notoriety.
But, think about it. There was only 3 states a person could be in when they read about the AOL.EXE virus:
1. They're not an AOL customer and didn't have AOL.EXE on their system. Nothing could have happened.
2. They're not an AOL customer and DID have AOL.EXE on their system (for whatever reason). They delete it and still AOL isn't out any money.
3. They ARE an AOL customer, DID (of course) have AOL.EXE, deleted it . . . and AOL *still* has collected the subscriber fee.
In fact, in the case of state 3, I actually saved AOL some money. The boneheads aren't using up bandwidth at a blistering 9600 bps.
Anyway, let 'em sue. Here's how I imagine it'd go:
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, I'm suing Mr. Owens for intentional damage to my property.
Lawyer 2: Your Honor, I'm suing because I couldn't get to my "Ambulance Chasing Tips" chat room.
Judge: How could either of you misunderstand this paragraph: "FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR 'UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT' MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!" Do you not know what IQ is?
Lawyer 1: Yes, your Honor, I know what IQ is, but this computer stuff is way beyond me. Who knows what an "upper memory management module" is?
Judge: You're not competent enough to understand computer terms, but you're competent enough to *sue* over computer terms?
Lawyer 2: Let me just say for the record, your Honor, that I have fourteen people working in my office and I don't have to know what computer terms are. I have a very powerful laptop my IS people gave me that has only two knobs. When I'm ready for a new screen, I just hold it upside down and shake it until the old screen clears off.
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, it's up to people who are in a position of trust to not mislead others.
Judge: You always do what Mr. Owens says?
Lawyer 1: Always, your honor, without fail.
Lawyer 2: Can I go to the bathroom?
Judge: If you always do what Mr. Owens says, why aren't you on his premium subscription lists? Or his party list? He told you to sign up for 'em. He told you to click on the ads and you didn't do that, either.
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, Mr. Owens *said* this was *very* important. He said to *pay attention*. So, that's different than all of that stuff *he* want us to do. He didn't *say* that other stuff was important.
Lawyer 2: Your Honor, I really can't hold it much longer.
Judge: Oh, because Mr. Owens didn't say the other stuff was important, you chose to ignore it. Why?
Lawyer 1: Because it's a *joke* list, your Honor. No one takes anything on a *joke* list seriously.
Lawyer 2: Oh shit.
Lawyer 1: Oh, man, I blew it.
Lawyer 2: No, really. I think I just shit.
Judge: Case dismissed.
Ray Owens
Joke A Day -- »www.jokeaday.com
Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863 | |
 JAJ1138Rev. JohnPremium
join:2001-04-18
RiverAcheron | Greetings!
I think this is beautiful!
Cheers!
--
»www.maximumpc.com »knac.com | |
 KalfordSeems To Be An Rtfm Problem.Premium,MVM
join:2001-03-20
Ontario
kudos:1
| reply to Anon
Ray,
Thanks for proving my theory.
I have long suspected that these sort of hoaxes are the result of morons who lack any intelligent sense of reasoning before taking actions.
Your authoring and subsequent release of this new wording to an old and musty hoax, has proven that you are certainly the leader in this field.
You certainly make me laugh, but its not at your jokes.
(are they actually yours or do you buy them)
--
There are many beautiful things you will find when you shut your mouth and open up your mind
[text was edited by author 2001-06-10 15:49:33] | |
| Another AoHell user i assume? Kalford,
Im going to go out on a limb here and ask, you use AoL dont you? If you are by all means dont stop, i owe my very work existence to AoL users, if not for them i would be out of work as they would learn how to fix thier own computer problems. Thankfully with AoL coddling the masses and making them passive in the problems that are experienced with computers i have no problem finding work in the IT field and side jobs fixing home and buisness systems/networks wherever i go. Thank god for AoL, it brings the simplicity to the internet that would otherwise require the masses to learn for themselves.
--
"I am Jacks complete lack of surprise"
-Tyler Durden | | |
|
| reply to Kalford
Re: From the Creator of the AOL.EXE Virus "I have long suspected that these sort of hoaxes are the result of morons who lack any intelligent sense of reasoning before taking actions."
What's up with that? Maybe we should re-evaluate the situation. This hoax came from a website dedicated to jokes. It's even called A Joke A Day. We have all seen virus hoaxes. Some obviously a joke, some a lame attempt to scare the public and some mild in their threats but subtle enough to keep the paranoid up a night. This one is obviously a silly joke meant to lampoon AOL virus hoaxes.
I don't see where there is any lack of intellect or reasoning for authoring and releasing a joke on a joke site. Think about it. If he wanted it to be "poorly executed" he would have emailed the thing to hundreds of AOL users and told them to forward them to everyone else. Instead he makes the announcement at HIS website which can be considered his property. As far as poorly written I think that would be based purely on opinion. I personally think it's pretty funny.
Maybe you should follow your own advice. Open your eyes and open your mind. And lighten up a bit. | |
| reply to Anon
said by jokeaday:
1. They're not an AOL customer and didn't have AOL.EXE on their system. Nothing could have happened.
2. They're not an AOL customer and DID have AOL.EXE on their system (for whatever reason). They delete it and still AOL isn't out any money.
3. They ARE an AOL customer, DID (of course) have AOL.EXE, deleted it . . . and AOL *still* has collected the subscriber fee.
Ah, but your analysis leaves out one crucial point: AOL makes its money and got where it is today not because it runs a bunch of modems and servers, but because it helps get neophytes online. That's a people business, not a technology business. A fundamental point to understand, and I think judges and lawyers understand that perfectly well.
Sir, I respectfully submit that this incident does cost AOL a fair amount of money in its core business if you recognize that this is its core business (versus packets on a wire).
Their call center--the people side of the business--is no doubt busily dealing with myriad neophytes needing help which otherwise would not need to be given. That's a cost which can be easily tallied up, even by an attorney.
I'm certainly no AOL apologist but I do know a couple things about customer service. | |
| quote:
Their call center--the people side of the business--is no doubt busily dealing with myriad neophytes needing help which otherwise would not need to be given. That's a cost which can be easily tallied up, even by an attorney.
Actually to be honest AoHells Call que is probably telling customers what they have always told customers, "reinstall AoL and if that doesnt work please call your computer manufacturers Technical Support number, have a nice day and thank you for putting your trust in AoL"! I have dealt with these poor bastards time and time again when i was working in the trenches (call ques for different computer corps), having to break thier illusions about what AoL is doing for/to them is never easy but the best bet was to stay on the line with them while they called AoL, besides it was always nice to hear the AoL tech squirm over the phone when they knew they were cornered, guess im just a sick bastard that way.
--
"I am Jacks complete lack of surprise"
-Tyler Durden
edited to fix quote tag
[text was edited by moderator] | |
KalfordSeems To Be An Rtfm Problem.Premium,MVM
join:2001-03-20
Ontario
kudos:1
| reply to Orclover
Re: Another AoHell user i assume? Orclover,
A simple click on my name would enable you to see that (sorry) I am not an AOL user.
I just find no humour or talent in those that need to de-ride others, in order to boost their own egos especially when it is obvious that the means in which it is done will most likely cause harm to others.
As soon as one person is hurt by a joke it ceases to be a joke, the true art to humour is making sure that this isn't done (aside from a little bit of ego-deflating).
See, if I was of that mindset I would take your comments to mean that your skill sets are only sufficient enough to help those that know absolutely nothing, and that you are grossly lacking in IT knowledge in order to compete with the mainstream IT market. And then I would start to throw personal insults your way based on this, perhaps likening you to hmmmmm let's say a "typical SWB Texan customer" (though I have no idea what a typical SWB Texan customer is).
However, I know that this is really not what you meant to infer . . and thus will not take any personal cheap shots to that effect. I am sure that your skill sets are sufficient enough to garner successful employment in the IT career of your choice.
SRFireside,
Owens did in fact send out his "joke" to "hundreds of users". By his own words his subscription list consists of somewhere between 10-20% AOL users of the 300,000+ subscribers. That puts those AOL users that he directed this to as being between 10-20,000. If there is any truth in what he states about AOL users, then he would have known that his "joke" would likely cause harm to some and should therefore not have sent it.
I never stated that the "joke" was poorly written, I only stated that it was a re-wording of old and musty hoaxes. . . that you can find quite readily in any of the internet hoax listings.
I don't laugh at those that are naive enough to become infected by real viruses nor those who have poor enough security, that their systems are easily hacked. By that same token I won't laugh at those that are naive enough to fall for this or any other malicious prank or hoax.
As for a joke that is actually really funny, along similar lines, but noone would get hurt by: I received this one quite a few months back. (I inserted the "Texan" as an honour to the both of you  )
You have just received the "Texan Virus"
As we ain't got no programming experience, this
virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
A picture says a thousand words. . . but I sometimes wish those darn photographers would just shut the H*ll up!!!
[text was edited by author 2001-06-11 18:41:55] | |
| said by Kalford:
See, if I was of that mindset I would take your comments to mean that your skill sets are only sufficient enough to help those that know absolutely nothing, and that you are grossly lacking in IT knowledge in order to compete with the mainstream IT market. And then I would start to throw personal insults your way based on this, perhaps likening you to hmmmmm let's say a "typical SWB Texan customer" (though I have no idea what a typical SWB Texan customer is).
Mostly were angry southerners that no matter how hard we try can not get a cable modem in our area's and have to rely on a dsl service for high bandwith, such is life.
said by Kalford:
As for a joke that is actually really funny, along similar lines, but noone would get hurt by: I received this one quite a few months back. (I inserted the "Texan" as an honour to the both of you )
You have just received the "Texan Virus"
As we ain't got no programming experience, this
virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Its definately Texas Friendly. The only problem i have with your arguement Kalford is that no matter the joke someone will always find something offensive in something said by someone else, be it a joke, a statement, or a speech to the masses it will be found to have a negative impact on someone. This can not be helped, it will happen. If i send out a chain email saying "kill your cats! they are diseased!, hury before you die" (for the love of god dont do that, get a dog, but let your cat die of natural causes) its almost a safe bet that if 10,000 people recieve that email somewhere out there 10 people just killed thier cats. Am i being a bit pessimistic about this? maybe. Please do understand that im only using that as an example that if you say almost anything to enough people, someone out there will believe you. What if i sent something completely rediculous but something i thought might be funny(can it get worse?), what if i sent out to a mailing list a simple file called antivirus.jpg that showed a PICTURE of a document that said "your anti-virus software has just been infected! uninstall all anti-viral programs IMMIDIATELY!". Now anyone from dslreports getting this picture would let out a small gigle, check the properties of the picture just to be sure and then chunk the email with thier eyes rolling. Somewhere out there if 10,000 people recieved this there would be 100(maybe im optomistic now?) people who promptly screamed and proceeded to bring up add/remove programs as fast as they could before their worst percieved fears came to pass. What would eventually happen to these people? Well eventually they would find someone (probably within 24 hours) who would explain to them exacty what the email was, they might be furious, maybe half of them would laugh, but i garuntee you that only a couple of them would ever believe a frickin picture on thier screen that told them to do something like that again. Homour such as this aol haox may be a bit juvinile, maybe even only truely enjoyed by burned out old call que trench fighters like myself. But all jokes will hurt somebodys feelings in the populus, but even the worst jokes (things such as cat killing and the like are not jokes, least not to sane people so dont misunderstand me please) can in the very least educate even the most stubern of people, usually at the expense of their ego's. Right now theres probably a couple thousand AoL users who just learned not to believe every email that gets past the "Youve Got MAIL!" bastard. Now if youve bothered to read this far Kalford (sorry, didnt mean to write a novel) i dont mean to offend you but i believe you are wrong, the only way to be sure that some one wont be hurt or offended by something said or done on a joke list is if there were no joke list, if all that was sent out was drivel about edible poultry crossing highways eventually some one from P.E.T.A would complain that the chicken was not recieving due respect. (/end rant)
--
"I am Jacks complete lack of surprise"
-Tyler Durden | |
| reply to Kalford
Re: From the Creator of the AOL.EXE Virus said by Kalford:
You certainly make me laugh, but its not at your jokes.
(are they actually yours or do you buy them)
well, we know the Etch-A-Sketch reference is a classic steal from Dilbert... | |
phase90
join:2001-05-09
Sunnyvale, CA | True. Although "it was in Dilbert" does not necessarily mean it is original. A lot of Dilbert stuff has floated around the industry for well prior to making it in a strip. That is what make it funny. It hits a resonance with people who are familar with the "punch line" or worse, live it in corporate life. Love it! | |
Anon | reply to Orclover
Ex-AO(bloody)L technician on AOL AOL deserves every bit of ribbing they've gotten in this posting as well as with this joke. Mind you I called it a joke. Not a virus hoax, not somebody intentionally causing harm to another. IT'S A JOKE. I happen to have been on the joke-a-day mailing list when this was sent to all subscribers and I laughed my butt off.
Having been an AOL tech support person (thankfully no longer associated with that end of the horse) I know exactly the type of person this JOKE was made for. I can't tell you the amount of times that I received calls from people trying to sign up and eventually finding that their system not only had 8 mbs of available hard drive space left, but didn't even have modems installed.
My point is this. We require people to have a small amount of knowledge about the workings of cars before we allow them behind the wheel and license them. Before the inception of AOL we could trust that the majority of people on the internet knew how to "drive". Since it's inception there's been nothing but traffic jams for as far as the packet can see. AOL has allowed people with the smallest amount of knowledge (push the power button, go get a cup of coffee, point, click) about the machine they rest their coffee cup on that it has caused nothing but headaches to those of us who have taken the time to know and understand the workings of the machines that make our lives easier.
And trust me on this. The AOL call queue never dies. There is a never-ending stream of callers wondering why "the internet is so slow today!" or "how I turn that darn 'You've got mail' off!".
Kudos to joke-a-day and jeers to anybody clueless enough to believe that a JOKE-A-DAY subscriber email is going to send you anything more serious than a laugh attack. | |
|
