please help
@wotnoh.ameritech
| Advice on getting a background check or hiring PI
Hello all I hope someone can help me out with a question I have. I was wondering what is the best site to get a background check on someone or even possibly hiring a PI. I found out that my wife has been talking to this guy on yahoo messenger for about 2 months now and it is causing trouble with our marriage. I just became suspicious the other day when I read something over her shoulder that she had typed to him and I installed some "monitoring software" on her computer. I couldn't believe some of the things she was saying to this guy, let alone the things he says to her. When I confronted her about it she told me they were just chat buddies and it was all in fun, but I know that this guy is pressuring her to leave me. When she told him that I was suspicious he seemed to want to bail right then, and probably move on to another target whose husband isn't suspicious, but she reassured him that everything was all right and that they just have to be careful what they say when I'm around. My wife has a very good job and this guy knows it. I know that he is trying to break up our marriage and just use her for sex and her money. I know by looking at this guy's picture and the stuff he says to her that he is BAD NEWS, luckily he lives in a different state, so that is one good thing about this whole situation. He asked her to send him some pictures of her, which she was dumb enough to do I might add, and one of them was pretty reaveling. He said to her that those would be good fuel for one of his "self service" jobs if you know what I mean. I can't believe she is too dumb to see the warning signs here. I mean it is bad enough that she has told this guy where she works, but not only that she was dumb enough to give him her friend's address, so that he could send her a gift, which he did btw, but, that's not the point. I can only hope that she wasn't dumb enough to give him our address, however after seeing her track record so far I'm not going to hold my breath on that one. I am a member of this site and my wife knows this, so for obvious reasons I can't post under my screen name. Please believe me when I say that I'm not some anonymous troll starting a thread just for attention. This is a 100% GENUINE PLEA for help, not just for the sake of my marriage, but my wife's job, virtue, and possibly even her life could be at stake here. Please note I'm not asking for advice or comments about what you would do to a cheating spouse, because as of right now I am 99% certain that they have never met in person and that this is all the further it has gone, however I am trying to prevent this from escalating any further. I'm not sure how the IM feature on here works, or even if there is one for that matter, but after there are a few replies to this post I will reveal my identity by "winking" at everyone, if you know what I mean. If there is anyone here in law enforcement who could help me out, once I reveal my identity that is, I would be forever in your debt if you could find out all kinds of dirt on this SOB. I checked out two of the background search websites, using what I know about this guy, and they pulled up all kinds of records under this name, but unfortunately I don't know his exact address, but I do know where he lives and I have his parent's address, but that is a topic I will leave to anyone who can offer me any help in this matter. Thanks in advance.  hint hint |
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Lenny Guchinelli
@dynamic.cov
| If you know where he lives, find out from the county's website if he has any criminal convictions, you can do this by doing a court info or last name search from county court's web page. If the county he lives in doesn't have web access, you can contact the clerk of courts and ask them what the procedure is.
If you are not paying your wife's bills, you would be better off looking for a divorce attorney, she wants to have an affair, or she wants out. Your plan to make this guy look bad in her eyes will back fire, she will want him more. Your intent to "save" your wife will fail.
"A person who tries to save his life will lose it."
I blame you, the magic must be gone from YOU, she is only being instinctive in her nature that she seeks MORE. It is obvious that she does not respect you, and you will be wasting your time trying to change her, because she is not going to change.
After reading your post, I don't respect you either, nor do I trust you, if I was a woman, I would have already left you. |
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KeysCapt
Premium,Mod
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Keys Exile
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| reply to please help
Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring
I'm not sure that finding fault or fixing blame is necessarily the right thing to do here, but I would suggest that maybe the better course of action to resolve this problem would be a sincere, non-confrontational discussion with your wife. That means open and honest, from both sides. What caused you both to get to this point in your marriage?
Getting the goods on the other participant, even if it causes him to disappear, is not going to solve the problem, IMO.
Good luck ... |
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McSummation
Mmmm, Zeebas Are Tastee.
Premium,MVM
join:2003-08-13
Round Rock, TX
 ·AT&T Southwest
| reply to please help
Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring PI
I agree with KeysCapt  . You don't need a PI, unless you are in a state that doesn't have "no fault divorce". What you need is marriage counselling and/or a divorce lawyer. |
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2kmaro
Think
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ColossalCave
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| reply to please help
said by please help :
I'm not sure how the IM feature on here works, or even if there is one for that matter, but after there are a few replies to this post I will reveal my identity by "winking" at everyone, if you know what I mean.
Our IM system only works for registered members, so your first step would be to create an account if you don't already have one.
Then an easy way to send an IM to someone is to find a post they've made somewhere and just click on their avatar or account name. That will take you to their profile page which will have a place for you to type in and send an IM to them. At that point they can easily reply directly to your IM.
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...then THINK! again!! |
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please help
@wotnoh.ameritech
| reply to Lenny Guchinelli
I'm back with an update on the situation. First of all thanks to those who have given me some advice already. Now as far as the anon poster here, I love how you just jumped to the conclusion that my wife doesn't respect me and that the magic is gone from our relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth than that. My wife and I love each other unconditionally. We sometimes find little ways to let each other know that as well, for example, we work different shifts and some mornings when I get home I pack her a lunch and hide a little note in the bottom of the bag that says I love you and that I am thinking about you, so as you can see the love and the magic is still there. Back to the point of starting this topic now. I confronted her again about this guy and told her about the key-logger that I had installed on the computer. She was a little hurt that I would do such a thing, believe me it was hard for me as well to betray her like this, but at the same time she was relieved that I had done it. She told me that this all started right after her really close friend died in a car crash 6 months ago and since I work night shift I wasn't always there when she really needed someone to talk to, I originally thought that this had only been going on for about 2 months. She already had friends that she talked to in the chat rooms and as a matter of fact we both talk to some of the same people online, sometimes we are in the same chat room together talking to these people. Well I guess that she started talking to this guy one night when I wasn't here and he seemed like a really nice guy, I've talked to him a couple times myself in the chat room and he seemed to be decent enough and he knew that she and I were married, as do most of the people we talk to, so I didn't really think anything about it. She said that she started talking to him, because he told her that he knows what it is like to lose someone close to you. I guess that his sister died in a car crash as well, ironically it was on the same day as her friend. She told me that he sent her a scanned image of both the story and the obituary in his local paper, so that story definitely checks out. I guess that is why I didn't really think anything about it until I started to notice some of the things that she was saying to him, it was at this point that I installed the key-logger. I started reading the IM sessions between them and I was physically sickened by what I was reading, it wasn't that they were cybering or anything it was just the rampant use of the words I love you and telling each other what the other would do if they were to ever meet. I asked her why she gave him her friend's address and she told me that he wanted to send her something special to cheer her up, like I said he seemed like a decent guy. She gave him her friend's address, because she was afraid to have it sent here, because of me that is. She told me that she had his parent's address as well, because she was going to send him a Christmas gift. When I asked her why she was e-mailing him "revealing" pictures that is when the whole truth came out. It seems that this guy was really nice up until after he sent the gift and now all of a sudden he has done a 180. He started asking her to send him pictures and to tell him that she loves him. She told him in not so many words that she is married and that he needs to back off. She told me that she had deleted him from her messenger, but that he keeps on IMing her anyway. I asked her why she answers his IMs and she told me that she got scared when he wouldn't quit IMing her, after she clearly told him that she was married and didn't want to send him pictures and that she definitely doesn't love him. I already said above that she gave her friend's address, because she was scared to have his gift sent here. I asked her why she would accept something from the guy in the first place and she told me that he said to her that if she doesn't give him an address to mail it to that he would bring it to her personally at her job, remember this happened before he went whack-o on her. I asked her why didn't she just rent a PO BOX long enough to receive this package and then cancel it and she said that she never thought about that. Well come to find out that not only does he now know her friend's address, he also knows what her friend looks like, because she has a picture of the two of them together on her profile page. I guess the good thing about this whole situation is that her friend lives in an apartment, so we are going to help her with her moving expenses to get her out of the equation. Yes I admit I originally wanted the background check to try and make this guy look bad, but now it seems as if I need to get one just to make sure that this guy isn't crazy enough to do something to her when she finally tells him it is over and she no longer wishes to speak to him. The really good news is that he has no idea where we live, so we have nothing to worry about except the fact that he knows where she works at, but she has been having security escort her to and from her car, so that is a relief of sorts. We can only hope that he doesn't do something stupid like wait for her in the parking lot and then follow her to see where she lives. I told her to keep talking to him and do anything she can so as not to spook him until we can get this mess cleaned up, even if that means sending him revealing photos. I think we are going to leave the key-logger active for awhile to try and get him to threaten her in some way and then try to get his local PD involved. I guess at this point the only reason that I would like to have a background check on this guy is to see if he has a history of any violence or anything. This is about all that I have time for today and it may be a while before I can post an update as to how this turns out, but I will be stopping by to read whatever advice anyone may have for me. I can't believe that this has went from me thinking that this guy was trying to break up my marriage into this. As I said before I am a member of the site already and I had planned on revealing my identity later on, so that everyone would know that I am not trying to anonymously troll for attention, but now, for obvious reasons, I can not do that. The screen name I use here is the same one I use on Yahoo and I have talked to this guy in the past. Now I highly doubt that this guy visits this site, but that is a risk I'm not willing to take. |
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please help
@wotnoh.ameritech
| reply to McSummation
Believe me the divorce lawyer has crossed my mind, but we have been married for 3 wonderful years now and have a beautiful 9 month old daughter, not to mention we have actually been together a total of 5 years, so I really wasn't willing to throw all this away on a hunch. Now that I know what is going on I kinda blame myself for not being able to pickup on this sooner. I could see that she was emotional, but when I would ask her what was wrong she would just say that she was upset about her friend and that she wishes she was here right now. I have agreed to go to counselling with her, but she said that she would rather go on her own. She said that since there is nothing wrong with our marriage she doesn't see the sense in both of us losing time off work to do it. She told me that there is no way that she would ever leave me for someone that she met in a chat room. She said that she grew up with old fashioned values and that she is an old fashioned girl who believes that two people are destined for each other. I know that I'll get scolded for saying this if she reads it, but I was 21 and she was 16 when we first met and our honeymoon night was the first time either of us had ever made love to ANYONE. The funny thing about all that is both my parents and hers met each other at exactly the same ages and shared the same experience with each other respectively. I guess when my daughter reaches 16 years old I'll have to be on the lookout for her 21 year old boyfriend/soul mate.  |
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draven
Premium,Mod
join:2002-02-20
my bunker
Host:
General Questions
No, I Will Not Fix..
| reply to please help
Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring
First, I would offer you the advice to be careful with how you go about monitoring this situation. If your wife did not know you installed the keylogger prior to you capturing her conversations, you've broken some wiretapping laws that can result in prison time and hefty fines. Since you've already admitted it to her, you should take measures to ensure that does not come back to haunt you. The situation you've described seems to demonstrate that your wife can be impressed upon by this other indivudual, and if he knows what you did is illegal, you don't want him convincing her to pursue the matter.
On the other hand, if you just wish to record chat history with her knowledge, consider downloading a chat client like GAIM ( »gaim.sourceforge.net/ ) that allows you to connect up to all of the major chat networks and save a log of all conversation.
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La Luna
Surviving Ashraful
Premium
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Warwick, NY
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| reply to please help
Internet predator....danger danger danger.
This is not rocket science, stop playing his game and conversing with this guy and make sure your wife does the same. Change your identities/alias in messenger and don't reveal the new ones to anyone you don't trust, block all others. I've dealt with a similar situation, and I can tell you this guy is an amateur at what he's doing. You are lucky that he is, he has revealed himself early in the game.
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johnny_t
Premium
join:2004-03-21
Palo Alto, CA
1 edit | deleted |
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Factor-1
@al.charter
| Truly I hope your situation improves, and that it has a positive and safe outcome. That having been said, I'll share a thought that my Dad told me many years ago, and I have found it to be true...
"The horse won't get out, if the gate is not opened."
Best of luck |
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Lenny Guchinelli
@dynamic.cov | reply to please help
Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring PI
You're the one that needs to go to counseling, not her.
You guys are too young to be married, you over react to stuff, and you watch too many soap operas. |
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koolman2
Premium
join:2002-10-01
Anchorage, AK
·GCI.net
| Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring
Why don't you tell that to the families of these victims?
»www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=···0Rde98yh
»www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?s=825248
»abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?secti···=3691702
The sad thing is that nothing is usually reported for ones stalking adults, but they do exist.
Get out of here, troll.
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"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner |
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tcope
Premium
join:2003-05-07
Sandy, UT
·Comcast
| reply to please help
Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring PI
Most of the information you can obtain in a "background" check can now be obtained online for free. Do a search for the city/county clerk of courts where the person lives. I've yet to not find one listed that will allow an online search. You can also search some entire states for this info. A good site to start at is:
»www.searchsystems.net/
You can usually find liens with this person's name, citation and court information. You can also use a pay service such as:
»find.intelius.com/search-name.ph···tType=1&
and order a background check. I've used them before and the report is reasonably prices.
Now for my input  ...
First mistake: your wife giving out _any- personal information to a _total_ stranger! She will give out all of this info to someone based on some typed messages? Does she ever watch/read the news?
Second mistake: allowing this to go _any_ further. It _will not get better if you allow it to go on_!!!!! It could _only_ get worst. Your simply adding fuel to the fire and merely putting off what needs to happen. Eventually she will need to drop the whole thing and never communicate with this person again. The sooner this happens, the better. At most, have her send an IM stating that she's made a mistake, she will no longer communicate with him and if she is harassed she will seek legal protection. She probably also wants to stay out of those chat-rooms for a month or so. She should establish a new account/name so the man won't know. If you shut someone down _100%_ it's more likely that they will simply drop the connection. To string the person along makes the matter even worst. Your actually suggesting she send suggestive pictures? Sorry, but you need your head checked on that one! How's that going to look... "We wanted to end this so we send these nude photos". Yeah, that will go over well if you need to explain to a 3rd party. Likewise, you claim you wanted this to end but she kept on communicating. Information about the person will not end it nor offer protection.
Lastly, I'd recommend counseling for life issues, not chatting with people in chat-rooms. At least not about personal issues. |
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please help
@wotnoh.ameritech
| reply to please help
Oh man am I ever worn out after this day. I had to take a night off work and stay up all day, after working 12 hours mind you, and let's just say that I hope we have seen the last of this jackass. I had her get him into a voice chat session and then I got on there and told him in not so many words to F off and that she was blocking him from any further contact. I also let him know that we have tipped off his local PD and that we were having a restraining order put against him. You should have heard the apologies coming from this guy's mouth. I told him that I will never accept his apologies and that he needs to get his damn head examined. He tried to say something else, but I told him to F off and promptly hit ignore. The only reason I told her to keep this guy going for a while was to get her friend out of the equation. I'm happy to say that today her friend just found another apartment and we will be helping her move this Friday, in the mean time she will be staying with us just to be safe. My wife is going to take this guy's picture to work, so that security will know to be on the lookout for him just in case. I am just counting my blessings that I happened to be home that day to see something that spooked me and resolve this without to much damage being done. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to install that program behind her back, knowing all the while it could devastate her trust for me, but she reassured me how happy she was that I did do it in this case, not only for her sake, but for the sake of our daughter and our marriage. Let me add that I am getting some extra special favors for finally helping rid her of this terrible burden she has been carrying for so long, can anyone here say complete steak and lobster dinner. Thanks to all for your help. It was just the encouragement that I needed to step in and take charge of the situation, I was afraid at first that I would lose her and my daughter if I tried to come between them. I'm going to get off of here now and bid farewell to a very long and stressful day, besides I have a very loving and grateful wife waiting for me upstairs and we have been talking about having another baby, if you know what I mean.  Thanks again all for helping give me that extra boost of confidence and just to be on the safe side I have completely removed Yahoo messenger from all the computers in the house and my wife and I mutually agreed never to use it again. As far as the decent people that we talk to on-line we told them that if they wanted to keep in touch with us they would have to contact us via e-mail only. |
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please help
@wotnoh.ameritech | reply to Lenny Guchinelli
How are we to young to be married? She is 21 now and I am 26 seems plenty old enough to be married to me. |
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please help
@wotnoh.ameritech
| reply to tcope
I understand where you are coming from on this one. This guy just caught her at a vulnerable stage in her life and he just so happened to be going through the same problem, only with his sister. The guy's story about his sister was true and he had sent her a picture of him and his sister together, so that must be how he developed her trust, because neither one of us would ever give out that info any other time. She said that she is going to start counseling and I insisted that I go with her, so she finally agreed that yes we both need to go. |
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Grumpy
Premium
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99999
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3 edits | reply to please help
Re: Advice on getting a background check or hiring
A marriage can be a difficult partnership even in the best of times. I respect & admire your decision to go to counseling. |
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Factor-1
@al.charter
| Sounds like you guys are finally on the right track. I certainly agree that any contact with this fellow be stopped immediately, and that it not be repeated again in the future. The ticket in life is to learn from mistakes, and every one either has or will make them, just don't allow ones self to make the same over again. I wish you both the best of luck, and I'm sure that the counseling will prove to be a good thing for you both.
Take care, happy holidays. |
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