St. Gomez Comes to Town
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Town
not a creature was stirring, not even Modem the Clown.
The nooses were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Gomez soon would be there.
The townsfolk were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of lynch mobs danced in their heads.
And Antonica in her 'kerchief, and Arch in his cap,
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out in the streets there arose such a clatter,
Arch sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast (haha boobies) of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
but Gomez, armed to the teeth, shooting people with a sneer.
He picked up his old driver, and put on his Fez,
And knew he had to take down this Gomez.
More rapid than eagles, he flew out the door,
and and attempted to knock Gomez down to the floor.
"This is for ekster! And Protus!
Also, Men and tmodel!
For, Goggalor! For, Modem!
For, Jobbie and Hobo Jim!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
I'll Dash you! I'll dash you!
I'll Dash you till you fall!"
Gomez laughed at Arch, and turned quick to fly,
Left Arch in the dust, and said "Not my day to die!"
So up to the house-top that Gomez he flew,
with the gun full of bullets, and a baseball bat too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the sound of gasoline splashing, and Gomez's cloved hoof.
Arch yelled in the house for Antonica to get down,
Then St. Gomez hit the streets in a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with gasoline and soot.
A bundle of wod he had flung to the house,
and he took out a match, and smiled like a louse.
His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old scumbag,
and Arch laughed when he saw him, but started to gag.
As the smoke began to rise from the fire he set,
And Arch knew he had to get Ant out of that house yet.
He spoke not a word, but turned on his foot and ran away,
as Arch pulled Antonica out of the house before Day.
He turned to Arch and Ant, and fired random shots,
missing them wildly, like League of Legends bots.
He sprang to his Caddy, and fired it up,
And drove away they through the Night so clear.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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