weebies$
What The Heck?
join:2002-10-26
Wayne, MI
|  News Flash: New Company to Provide FTTH to Saturn
Due to a post in DSLR that residents on Saturn are not properly having their broadband needs met a new company has been formed called SHAFTU. This company is using a new technology called Super High Access Fiber Transport and will be deploying it worldwide on Saturn.
Said CEO and founder I. Wan Yomoney: we think this is a real exciting opportunity for investors and that our name says it all. We are committed to using innovative and proven technology to bring the best possible return on investment to our shareholders.
When pressed for a further explanation he responded: we are going to dig holes and put cable in those holes. This has proven itself successful in the Portland, OR. area and we see no reason it shouldn't be the same for us.
When pressed for further comments he responded: you really don't understand this business.
Vice-president of Engineering Howe Du Uduthat gave an overview of SHAFT technology: It's really just dog tie out cable. Since it can't carry a signal there is NO signal loss no matter how much SHAFT you tie together. This is very important for people to understand.
Asked for a further explanation of this he responded: you really don't understand this business.
Vice-president of Marketing Duh Blow Talk had this to say: We are going to give users more choices. We are going to give them more of this. We are also going to give them more of that. And then we are going to give them more of this and that.
Asked for a further clarification he responded: you really don't understand this business.
Company officials are estimating that 13 trillion miles of SHAFT will be needed to meet demand. When asked if it will be deployed in the US the company stated it had no plans for the moment but didn't rule out future deployment. Said one company official who asked not to be identified: We have to go where the demand is, where we can make a profit, it's just simple economics. I am sure it will eventually trickle down to the US consumer.
Most industry analysts were very optimistic at this announcement and declared this could be just what the telecom industry needed to get out of the doldrums. Many were predicting that other new companies would soon be forming to compete in this sector and that established companies would be deploying resources to meet the growing demand. The ILECs are even considering getting involved if they can get legislation passed in congress that prohibits any other companies from competing on Saturn.
But not all analyst are that keen on the idea. Said one: yes, but we've never even been to Saturn; another: by all scientific evidence Saturn is completely uninhabitable and devoid of life. But most analysts downplayed these issues as minor technological hurdles that will soon be overcome. Said one bullish analyst: a chance like this to bilk billions out of unwary investors and raise consumer expectations while delivering nothing only comes along once in a millenia - when it happens you just have to go for it.
FCC chief Mike Powell was asked for an official comment and told reporters that he could not make an official response because the company had not made an official PAC contribution. He did say that as soon as the company gave him the right amount of contribution that an official ruling in their favor could be rendered. In an unofficial response he noted that deregulation was the key to all this and that consumers and investors were sure to benefit from this.
In the whitehouse some concerns were raised. Said AG Ashcroft: there better not be any unsecured Wi-Fi up there. If there is they better secure it or we will do it for them.
President Bush had this to say: Saturn, is that near Iraq? The president then went on to demand the Saturnian government destroy all WMDs and comply with all UN sanctions and resolutions. He promised that if they didn't comply with his wishes he would authorize the use of force to include but not limited to nukin the h*ll out of those terrorist bast*rds.
This immediately raised an uproar with the RIAA. Said RIAA spokeperson I. M. Greedy: We urge the president and congress to use restraint here. Obviously the need of FTTH on Saturn indicates P2P and ILLEGAL file trading. Obviously they owe us money - after all we bought the right to extort money from consumers with our huge PAC bribes. Only after the RIAA has squeezed every last cent out of Saturn and sold all its residents into slavery do we recommend that the president nuke the h*ll out of those terrorist file trading bast*rds.
Hope you got a chuckle out of this.  Happy holidays all.
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innovation is made of the dreams of those who wonder what if and don't rely on what has been |
