Wednesday December 24th
(jump earlier)
what're you doing new years eve???
So, what're your plans??? |
posted Wednesday December 24th, @12:08AM
Sunday November 9th
(jump earlier later)
my greatest fear...
I borrowed this from PostSecret, but it pretty much sums up my fears about my pending move... |
posted Sunday November 9th, @11:24AM
Tuesday November 4th
(jump earlier later)
first response...
So, I found a new job with a large canvas company, and they want me to start soon…only problem is that they are located in Charleston, SC…that’s a little bit too much of a commute from here in Michigan, so I have a large decision to make…and soon…
While on my way driving there last week, I was witness to a rather awful auto accident on Interstate 26, between Spartanburg and Columbia, SC. The driver directly in front of me went off the left side of the road, lost control, and rolled their SUV after crossing both lanes. Driving into the bright early morning sun on that clear day, it was hard to tell exactly what happened in front of me, but I was directly behind the young girl as she crashed, and was one of the first to her car after it came to a stop, resting on its roof in the middle of the busy highway with glass and debris strewn everywhere.
Passing the green Jeep on the left as it now flipped and skidded its way back from the guardrail on the right side of the road, I pulled over to the shoulder and ran back to see if everyone was alright. The only person inside, a very young and extremely shaken college girl on her way back to USC, was lucky to just have an scrape to her left elbow as the only visible mark of her extremely scary ordeal.
The second person to the scene after me was an off-duty paramedic; he did a preliminary check of her before the fire department and ambulance came to take control of the scene. Other than some medical attention to the palm-sized abrasion on her arm, emotional first-aid, including lots of calm words, hugs from myself and other passers-by as we convinced her she was alright, reminding her that her parents were on their way, every time the tears would begin to well in her eyes and start to flow, was what she needed more than anything.
Once the local paramedics had finished checking her out, a state trooper arrived and began to take our statements on the accident. While he was busy with her, I took a couple seconds to crawl through the side window and into the front seat, retrieved her purse, but couldn’t find the cell-phone that we could hear continually ringing…she used mine and another persons who had stopped, as she tried to stay in touch with her mom who was more than an hour away at that point.
Everyone there was very kind and sweet to her, and for all that she had just been through, flipping her Jeep and crawling on her hands and knees through the broken glass to get out of her mangled vehicle that cold Monday morning, the young girl was extremely polite and appreciative to everyone who was there and gave her aid…well, for the most part everyone…
She was very receptive to the different people and local responding emergency workers with their many kind words, all except for one person; the newly arrived state trooper and the condescending tone and manner of his deceptive questioning of her…her and the rest of the witnesses, including myself!
As far as southern state troopers go, he was stamped from the same stereotypical, Napoleon-esque, campaign hat and sunglass wearing, deep drawl drenched, South Carolina state trooper mold that you’d assume he’d be made from…and that’s just the nice stuff!
Between badgering the poor girl about her story of a “red pick-up truck” cutting her off, and continually coming back to me to corroborate or refute her story, making the young girl cry, even more than when the accident first happened, seemed to be his only ambition, and he was doing it well!
Once the interrogation was completed, and we had gotten her calmed down again, I stayed there with her on the shoulder of the road, waiting for the wrecker and her parents to arrive. Then in a flurry, just like a snap, it was all over and I was on my way again to Charleston.
Arriving in Charleston, I met the shop owner at the marina, worked with him for a few hours, then followed him back to his shop, which was a few miles away. We talked for a bit and then I went to try and find a hotel near by…that didn’t work out and I ended up downtown at a large hotel across the street from the marina, one which I knew I really couldn’t afford, at least for long, but out of desperation, I gave it a shot anyway…
When I walked up the steps into the grand lobby, there was an older woman yelling at the top of her lungs at the college-age reception girl working the front desk that night. Within a few moments it was clear to me, and anyone else in that zip code, that this poor girl had nothing to do with the problem the woman was screaming at her about, yet she did her best to satisfy the cranky woman’s needs…
Once the dust had settled, and the woman retreated to the elevator leading up to her room, I introduced myself, apologized for what I had just watched take place, asked if she was okay. She told me she was fine, and this was all part of the job, as we laughed for a minute and moved past that, she asked what she could do for me, so I began to tell her of my dilemma in finding a room, one that I could afford, and we went on from there…
Sometimes in life, timing is everything, well that and being as nice as one can be, because once we were done talking, I had an extremely nice, suite type room with a view of the water, for the next three days, and I’m sure it cost me less for 3 nights than what the angry woman had just paid for one! I thanked the nice girl once more, then gathered my things from the car and went to my room to relax for a bit…it had been a heck of a day, and I was ready to unwind…
Taking a hot shower and then watching some TV to try and decompress, I laid in bed flipping the channels till I came to a cop show, and then it happened…something I’d have never expected…
It was some “Law and Order” type police show well under way, and just then it flashed to a young dark-haired girl, all scraped up and bleeding, strapped to a gurney in the back of an ambulance, and she was being questioned by one of the officer. All of the sudden, and without me wanting to, I started to shake inside…shaking to the core, and I couldn’t stop!
I immediately turned the show off, trying to collect myself, and after time it did abate, but for the rest of that long night; all I could think about was the young girl from the accident that morning, how was she now??? Was she alright??? And what the hell would I have done if she had really been hurt???
Getting to sleep that night was almost impossible, and for the next several nights since then I’ve dreamt of her and the incident, but now after a week it seems to be going away. My guess is that after seeing the accident so closely and having to be the person to try and put on a brave face for her, I just didn’t have time to process everything that had happened at that time, and emotionally it had to come out some way. I’m just happy I didn’t choose to be a first-responder of any sort for my career…I’m sure I’d be a basket case!
Anyway, back to the job… I cant say I really got the “warm and fuzzys” from it, but all in all it wasn’t too bad...making up my mind on leaving all my friends and family behind is what I’m dealing with now, and would like to have my decision made by the coming weekend.
It’s late, time for bed, and to think about all this change…till later… |
posted Tuesday November 4th, @03:13AM
Friday August 22nd
(jump earlier later)
a year in review...
Hard to believe its been a year since my last post, but I'll keep it short...
The dream job turned into a nightmare, but at least they bought me out...well me and 9,999 of my closest co-workers as well. Soon, with the economy the way it is here, I'll lose everything and start all over again...somewhere warm, I hope...
Jen is still fine, we're just friends now, and that's all I want...shes turned into someone I don't always like at times which makes it much easier...
As for the rest of them, and as you would have guessed, that all fell apart as well...seems to be a trend in my life at the moment...
Well, who knows, maybe I'll update next year at this same time (if this forum survives), and things'll be different...or maybe not... |
posted Friday August 22nd, @01:16AM
Thursday August 23rd
(jump earlier later)
yikes!!!
Um, I had a few drinks last night when had made that last post, if you couldn't figure that out already!
Yesterday was an awesome day for me; new job that I just love came through, my lease is up so I got a new Jeep, and when I went out to celebrate with friends, I ended up having the time of my life with like 4 different girls!
Two of them, Amanda and Sarah are party girls, and aren't anything I'd do much other than party with...well, there are a *few* things, but hey, I'm a guy! Michelle is an old friend, and there was a lot of close contact last night, but Katie is the one I'd be most interested in. She definitely marches to the beat of her own drummer, and is extremely sexy in a quirky way!
If nothing else, it was just an amazing day, and I'm sure the confidence level I was exuding had a bit to do with my luck last night!
So, the new job starts 09/01...its not in the office I report to currently, and seeing as there isn't anywhere close at the moment, I'll be working from home for a while...
Off to bed now, just too damn tired from last night! |
posted Thursday August 23rd, @10:42PM
(jump earlier later)
posted Thursday August 23rd, @04:32AM
Saturday August 18th
(jump earlier later)
fireworks...
Been a while since I posted anything here, just haven’t felt the drive or need to…till now…
Things with “Jill” have been cool to say the least for the past month or so, and for most of that she’s been off work on “stress leave”…must be too much to take with all the crap going on in her life. Even the Mgr boyfriend has been off on it too…tell me that doesn’t look good for him! (not)
Thursday night I went out to the place I hang with a buddy from work. We’ve been on two hours of mandatory overtime each day for some time now, so letting off some steam was in order.
As we sit and drink, the topic of “Jill” comes up from him, and in his beer goggle haze, he looks over to me and says “Can’t you see she’s using you?” I kinda chuckled and told him yes, I knew, but allowed it because I was in love with her…and then proceeded to give him a little more background so he’d understand.
We had gotten past that subject and were moving on to other important matters, like the two really cute girls that just came in and sat at the table behind us when I felt a tap on my shoulder… It was Jen who was sitting on the other side of me, and her arm was pointing towards the door now.
Sure as shit, guess who walks in?!?!? “Jill” and the Mgr boyfriend! Talk about a buzz-kill!
Now, we do live in a small town, and there isn’t a whole damn lot to do, but I’d kinda figure if you’re not looking for a confrontation, why in the fuck would you show up at the one place I frequent?!?!?
In they come, right over next to us all, and she starts talking to me. Honestly, for the life of me, I have no idea what she said, but kept blabbing on to the point where I got up and walked out to the deck for a minute to get some air…
When I came back in, I went to my seat and told Jen and my buddy that I was outta there, just couldn’t take it and it was best if I leave. Yeah, you guessed it, they were not about to let me do that…
After a few minutes, I decided in my haze that I really should head over to their table and make my presence known…another wonderful idea of mine…
It was cordial, to a point, then I’m quite sure I made a reference to how much I’d really like to kick his ass, and then it went downhill…I know, that’s so weird!
I mean come on, why show up there if you know how I feel, and have been leaving you alone?!?!? Granted, I should be adult enough to sit back and be happy for her…I guess…maybe…but that’s after a few years, isn’t it?!?!?!
The next morning I was still stinging from the night before, and decided to let her know how I felt about it all. Nothing like an entire three page, broken hearted, melodramatic, text message litany to start your day!
It took a few hours to get a reply, and we both said some very shitty things to each other, but in a way I feel better. Yes, I purposely said things to hurt her, and no that doesn’t make me feel good about myself, but there was nothing I said that wasn’t the truth.
Later that night I did send an apology, but in no way did I ask for forgiveness from her…
Well, I think that bridge is burned right into the ground now, been a long year and a half in the making, guess I just never thought the grand finale would end up this way…
On a brighter note, at least I’m out of the office for the next two weeks. Heading off to train some other folks, so that gets me away from this drama. And, if all goes well, September 1st I’ll start a new job for the company and be gone from there for good…couldn’t come at a better time! |
posted Saturday August 18th, @10:10AM
Thursday May 31st
(jump earlier later)
shift change...
Again, its been a while since my last update, and it’s been rough here lately. As I write this I’ve just gotten off the phone with Kristen, and yes, more phone sex…it seems to be ratcheting up now that we’re getting close to her pending nuptials…
Yeah, I know it’s because I’m safe, but I really should stop…its just so damn hard to… Her girlfriends in NC will be taking her out for the last time this weekend on both Friday and Saturday, so I expect calls this weekend…
We do talk of other things too, but it’s become less and less meaningful conversations as we get closer to the day…that and at times its very hard for me to even face that this is all going to end soon, and she’ll be gone and out of my life…well, not for good, but we surly shouldn’t be doing this after this month…
Tonight our conversation touched on missed opportunities, as in she questioned me as to why I didn’t do more to pursue her while she was here, and we both knew the exact night in mind… The more I think about the night, the more I know I should have…but at the time I felt I was doing the right thing…and look at me now… *sigh*
The other day I went to the sites she’s registered at to find a gift, but its just too much…I have no idea what to do, and seeing as the invitation arrived today, I have only a few weeks to decide if I should attend…I’m very seriously leaning towards not, even though she told me tonight how much she wants me there and wants to see me…I just think it could be too much for me, and awkward for her…
I truly feel she’s making a mistake, but it’s her mistake to make…not mine…I have my own mistakes…like with “Jill”…
She and I have been on a roller coaster for the past 2 months or so…one week great, the next we’re not speaking… Currently it’s the calm after the storm… She’s been lying to me about not seeing her boss any more, and broke some plans we had for the holiday weekend in a very poor way…only for me to find her at his house, yet swearing to me it had nothing to do with him…must just have to do with me, I guess…
I know she plays us both…people see it, and comment on how “she’s always at your desk”…and she really is…so it’s just very confusing, and I’ve reached my limit…I can’t do this with her and hurt anymore…(lets hope)…
Even work has been turned upside down for me lately, and due to restructuring, my position was given to another person…one of the hazards of a union environment… I did apply for a Mgmt position with engineering yesterday, so we’ll see how that goes…
I’m sure there’s other stuff, but I feel hollow at the moment…need some rest… |
posted Thursday May 31st, @11:53PM
Saturday March 3rd
(jump earlier later)
ramble on...
Yeah, it’s been a while since I updated my lovely little journal, even passed the 4 year mark…not really sure if that an accomplishment or not, but hey, its one of the only things I can truly call my own…
It is funny though how much things have changed… Jen and I are close again, but just as good friends…nothing more…and I like it that way… We can talk about *friends* in our lives with each other, but its still so damn weird to hear her tell me how much she doesn’t like *whomever*…”well I just think she’s using you”… (“Really? What did you do all those years???”)
So get this, Jen hates “Jill”, and she also hates Kristen, but is friends with Jessica…she’s the new person I met through Jen, of all people, but who I really don’t have anything for other than she’s fun to hang out with. She has come up a few of the last weekends, but we really don’t stay in too close of contact, just friends of convince…
Last weekend she came up though on Thursday night, and stayed till Saturday…we had fun, went out Thursday with each other to several different places, and just hung out together the night after…that’s when Kristen called…and seeing as Jess was over, I blew Kristen off…she didn’t like it at all!
On Sunday Kristen calls again, it’s about 4 in the afternoon, and she starts asking me about my weekend. Again, seeing as she’s made her decision to get married in a few months, I have no problem telling her that Jessica was here for a few days, and that’s why I couldn’t talk when she called last…then there’s silence on the line…”Are you having *sex* with her???” she asks? Honestly, it’s none of her damn business, and I tell her that what’s she’s asked is a bit of a forward question, and she’s pissed! I leave her hanging…
“Well, if you don’t care for her, you shouldn’t be doing that…” Oh, okay, now you’re the morality police??? What you and I’ve been doing for the past 2 months is fine, seeing as you have a fiancé and all, but I cant have fun with another consenting adult and not have it wrong in your eyes??? Okay, I get it!!!
After that we didn’t speak for 4 days…that’s the longest we’ve gone in close to a year… She called last night, and I don’t know how, but all I got was the chirp that I had a voicemail… I’m glad the call didn’t make it through; I’d have been tempted to answer…
In a moment of weakness this afternoon, I sent her a text saying I’d got the message from the night previous, and that I miss her…there’s no response back…. I was lucky though today, got to work days to train some other people on a job function I do, so I got to get out at 5:30, and went to get a drink with my boss…(she is so damn hot, and even more fun to hang out with!!!)…
We’re there for a few hours, and the beer starts creeping up, so I text Kristen again…this time she calls back, but being the drunken dork that I was at the time, the conversation wasn’t as good as I’d have liked…
She did elaborate though on how much she dislikes Jen; who was there also tonight, and who she used to work with. Then she went on to “Jill”, who she’s never met, but doesn’t think is good enough for me. And then on to Jessica, for no other reason than she comes up and spends the weekend and takes away from her *special* time on the phone with me when she’s in the mood…(but she’d never say that part)…
So, we have Jen who hates “Jill” and Kristen… Kristen who hates Jen, “Jill” and Jessica. Jessica who is friends with Jen, has met, hung out, and likes “Jill”, but who also hates Kristen for the way she toys with me. And then there’s “Jill”…”Jill” likes Jessica after hanging out here at the house together….but she doesn’t, and wont, say a bad word about anyone else, here with me, or even at work…I think that says a lot about her…wish I had more of that quality in me…
All of them have a piece of my heart in a small way, some much more than others…it just amazes me though how each of them thinks the others is using me in their eyes, yet doesn’t see what they themselves do to affect me, even though I permit it…
If I didn’t like what I share with each of them, I wouldn’t allow it…the only person to blame, is me… I do have to say though, out of all of them, “Jill” is the only one who hasn’t asked a thing of me, but I’m always happy to help her any way I can…
This is the weekend she’s moving to her own place…she filed last week… I’d much rather have her come here and be with me, her and her two girls, but yes, I know that isn’t an option…she needs to find her own way in the world for a while now…spread her wings…even though I know watching her do that will hurt like hell…
Who knows...she’s made this huge step, maybe she’ll be ready for what I have to offer her, here in the near future…maybe in a year or more… Of all of them right now, she’s the one I’d love to pamper a bit…show her and her girls that not every guy in their lives puts himself first…and be able to share all the stupid things I did as kid, with them...the stuff that at the time I hated, but didn't realize it made me into who I am today, and now would go back and do over with my parents in a heartbeat… |
posted Saturday March 3rd, @05:00AM
(jump earlier later)
southern cross...
Got out of town on a boat
Goin' to Southern islands.
Sailing a reach
Before a followin' sea.
She was makin' for the trades
On the outside,
And the downhill run
To Papeete.
Off the wind on this heading
Lie the Marquesas.
We got eighty feet of the waterline.
Nicely making way.
In a noisy bar in Avalon
I tried to call you.
But on a midnight watch I realized
Why twice you ran away.
Chorus
Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woman/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
When you see the Southern Cross
For the first time
You understand now
Why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from
Is so small.
But it's as big as the promise
The promise of a comin' day.
So I'm sailing for tomorrow
My dreams are a dyin'.
And my love is an anchor tied to you
Tied with a silver chain.
I have my ship
And all her flags are a flyin'
She is all that I have left
And music is her name.
Chorus
Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woman/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
So we cheated and we lied
And we tested
And we never failed to fail
It was the easiest thing to do.
You will survive being bested.
Somebody fine
Will come along
Make me forget about loving you.
At the Southern Cross.
Next time I'm in Maui, I'm looking for it... *sigh* |
posted Saturday March 3rd, @01:09AM
Saturday February 17th
(jump earlier later)
howie...
She Says
Sweet is the sight of a room window open by candlelight
How would you know?
Cold winter on the shore chills the dress she wore
It’s on the floor
still it feels so warm today
And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on in your head what’s wrong
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you, yeah
No, no
I swing into flight over hills, over her hills it’s twilight
Yeah I guess that’s right now
And while we’re here tell me why it’s so funny
That you’re so funny when you’re mad
Cuz it’s mad, so mad
And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on in your head what’s wrong
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you, yeah
No no, she doesn’t mean you
Yeah and I don’t where I’m coming from
and I don’t where I’m coming too
and I don’t what it means to me
and you don’t know what it means to you
she doesn’t mean you |
posted Saturday February 17th, @12:58AM
Sunday February 11th
(jump earlier later)
postsecret...
.
as much as I didnt write it...I feel it... |
|
posted Sunday February 11th, @04:48PM
(jump earlier later)
road-trip to nowhere...
Kristen flew into her hometown on Thursday night…there with mom making plans and such…girl’s weekend and all… So I got a crazy idea to go see her…just for Saturday night, and so as not to take her completely off guard, I told her on Friday night that I’d be there in the afternoon today…she didn’t say no, so I made my plans…
About 11 AM this morning. I get a call from her…she’s stressed…has a ton of things to do…family to see…a dinner and movie date with her mom tonight, but still doesn’t tell me not to come, she’s just upset that she wont have much time to see me…it’s a 5 hour drive, one way, for me to see her…but well worth it…
As the conversation goes on, I can tell she’s upset, and I’m not all about that…so I tell her I’ll back out and turn around…(yeah, I lied a little and said I was well on my way, but hey, it was just a white lie)…
Anyway, she again tells me how she has plans over spring break to spend time with me…all I have to do is hold tight for a few more weeks… *sigh*
It amazes me that she can continue on with these wedding plans, yet still call me every day...2 or 3 times a day at one point...any time she’s feeling amorous, or if there’s a problem between them… Yeah, I’m selling myself short…I know…but damn it’s hard to stop and say no to her…
We’ll see what the next few weeks bring…and I’m half tempted to take her away for 2 or 3 of the days during the week she plans to be here…
On a side not, and a little thanks to a friend, I think I may change my Journal title to “My Life as a Professional Safety-Net” |
posted Sunday February 11th, @02:45AM
Saturday February 3rd
(jump earlier later)
3 ring circus...
Just when you thought things couldn't get more screwed up, they do! You do have to forgive me a bit, I'm copying an email I wrote to a friend, rather than retype it all out...
Okay, you ready for beyond bizarre? Here it goes...
Yesterday, I played hooky from work. The reason I did was because I met a new girl last weekend at the yacht club. Shes cool...divorced, no kids, teacher, kinda hot, but there is something definitely broken with her...anyway, shes just had a major breakup, but decided to come up and hang with me yesterday afternoon...
Now, I can see this is going nowhere...shes just venting...repeatedly, over and over... This is where its starts getting interesting...
I get a text from "Jill"...the one from work... She's out with her mom and step dad, and they want to stop by and hang out...weird, I know...it gets better!
So, they come over, and the new major topic of conversation is "Jill's" pending divorce. Her mother, being the total tool that she is, is giving her all kinds of grief over going to the counselor that I set her up with, and I have to stand up for "Jill" and tell her mom not to undermine her progress, which she is making huge leaps and bounds...
We continue to drink and talk, and it gets to about 12...that's when the "I love you" texts start from Kristen! I don't reply to her, and she gets pissed! So then she starts calling...I pick up and walk outside in the freezing cold and tell her whats going on here. That's when she says to me "cant you tell them all to leave? I need you..." At this point I think I'm going to lose it!
After telling her that I'm freezing my ass off and that I'll have to call her back, I head in the house. "Jill's" in the kitchen away from all the others, and commences hugging me and telling me how much *she* loves me and that she doesn't know what she'd do without me!!!
Now, I never got a chance to spill my guts to her, so I did...she knew all along, could tell I was in love with her (at that time), but our time this night was to be cut short by the step dad coming in as we were getting snugly! *sigh*
About another 30 or 40 minutes pass and the phone rings again...its Kristen...shes in tears, begging me to be with her and how much she needs me and that her boyfriend is so lame..continuing on and on... This is where I tell her she has to make up her fucking mind...shes 900 miles away, getting married in July, and I have 2 hot chicks in my house; "What the fuck do you want me to do, and when are you going to make up your mind?"
She cries some more and I tell her I'll try to hustle them out the door so I can call her back..."Jill" and family leave at 4 AM, and Jessica is too fucked up to drive so shes spending the night!
Honestly, at this point, I was too much of a mess to do much with Jess, so I confided in her what has been going on all night...she was just speechless...
Its 6 AM now, I never called Kristen back, and I have to be to work at 9:30...off to bed for a few hours, then to work for 8...
Once at work I text Kristen, asking how shes feeling, and then it starts... After several texts about she cant take that shes lying and that she cant talk to me today, she calls and starts in on how screwed up she is right now, and that we cant continue to do this every weekend! I remind her that *she* called *me*, not the other way 'round!
As I'm talking to her she gets to a manic state and as shes sobbing, says she cant do this right now and will have to call me back after a few days...once she gets her head straight...
I have no idea what the fuck is going on in her head right now...
After that I send a text to "Jill", and tell her that I really want to talk to her sober about last night...she asks if its about her crazy parents, and I tell her that's part of it... She agrees, and says she'll call me after she leaves her brothers house tonight...shes going there for dinner...so we'll see what happens there...
So, fucked up, eh? |
posted Saturday February 3rd, @11:12PM
Monday January 29th
(jump earlier later)
post "pimp fairy" melt down...
Yeah…you knew it would happen… Things heated up between us for the past week, and no, it wasn’t just me…it went both ways…
She’s confused…tells me she loves me, but is still going to get married to another guy in July… *sigh* I still begged her to delay it…hell I told her to say the hell with it and come be with me…she just said there’s no way she could ever come back here to live…
We talked for a bit yesterday…trying to make our peace with each other, and yet she still wants me to come see her when she’s close by in April…she has to be thinking the same thing as me, doesn’t she? How in the hell are we not going to screw things up again if we’re right next to each other?!?!?
It’s funny, tonight as I’m about to leave work, the girl that sits behind me said “Hey, you didn’t get any calls tonight.”…so even she noticed how often Kristen would call…we’ll see how long this lasts… |
posted Monday January 29th, @10:52PM
Sunday January 21st
(jump earlier later)
pimp fairy chronicles...
Last night was one of the most surprising and erotic nights I think I’ve ever had…and all it was were words that were shared between us!
Some of this I need to preface so you can understand really what I’m talking about…here goes… And I’m somewhat at a loss as even where to begin on this one, but I have to write it down and clear my head a bit…
I’ve written about Kristen before…she’s the cute little school teacher that moved away this past summer…the one that my best friend was very much in love with…*gulp*… well, she and I have been quite close, and very flirty with each other since she left, and it somewhat came to a head last night…
Now I’d never choose to hurt my buddy’s feelings, and he knows that she and I talk to each other, but he was still quite pissed that she called me on NYE at midnight…tell me that wasn’t hard for me to explain to him…”Um, I think she was drunk…”
Okay, this is where it gets a little confusing…Kristen, after moving to get away from a disastrous relationship here, has decided to rekindle things with a past love, and they’re engaged…(I know, story of my life)… He seems like a nice enough guy, but I’ve begged her to delay things just because it really feels like she’s doing this more out of desperation than true love…
So anyway, when I was out on Friday night, she starts in with the flirty text messages…the “I miss you(s)”…”I wish I were there right now”…normal drunken flirting…nothing really new...that was till last night…
See, the night before, I ended up back at my house with two very sweet (hot) girls and my buddy. We had met up with them earlier, and came back here to have a drink and hang out… One of the girls had to fly out the next morning at 5 AM, and seeing as it was already close to 2, not a whole hell of a lot happened, but the one who wasn’t flying, well she asked what I was up to the next night and asked me to call her…I was more than happy to!
All this is fine and dandy, nothing too out of the ordinary yet…that is until I told Kristen about it on Saturday afternoon!
Being that she’s engaged, and at least 8 hours away from me, I didn’t have any problem telling her about the night before, and kidding with her that I hope the “Pimp Fairy” was to make a visit to my house that evening…she laughed like hell when I told her that! Oh, and she gave me a hard time too about the girl…she knows her from before she moved away, and was busting my chops a bit about it…(the other girl is a bit young…hehe)…
Anyway, she goes on to tell me that she and two girlfriends are going out that evening, and that she’ll text me later…so we leave things like that… That is till the new girl called and asked to come over that night… Now I don’t know what possessed me to text Kristen and let her know that “the pimp fairy is smiling on me”, but that started the texts flowing from her!
As fate would have it, the "fairy" went down in flames, well at least for the moment…so I let Kristen know, and she teased me about it, but said she was glad that nothing happened, and continued to ratchet up the messages!
Okay, I’m not stupid…she’s out drinking with girlfriends, and is several hours away, so she could text anything and it doesn’t matter, neither of us can do anything about it due to the distance, so that makes me safe for her…but things changed at about 2:30 that night!
I’m lying in bed and the phone rings…she had said she’d call me when she got home, so it was expected… Now I can tell she a little tipsy, and she starts using her sweet little sexy voice asking me what I’m doing…of course I reply I’m lying there thinking about her, and we’re off from there!
Seeing as I hadn’t been drinking, I was somewhat self-conscious of what I was saying to her, and it was hard to know just how far the boundary went… Being very honest, I’d never done anything like that for an extended period, and at points it was even a bit of a challenge! I mean how many times can you say certain things that if you were acting out, would take a hell of a lot longer?!?!?!
This goes on for close to 10 minutes, and then all of the sudden the phone went dead. FUCK!!! *sigh* I was at least smart enough not to call her back, reason being, they do live together…and sure as shit, he had walked in on her!
I didn’t find that little tidbit out till she called me back about 40 minutes later. The first words out of her mouth were “I’m sorry”, and I honestly was thinking that she was apologizing for coming on to me on the phone the way she did…turns out she was just sorry for having to hang up!
After a couple of minutes of telling me what happened, and how she made some excuse to him, she starts in again and says “weren’t you in the middle of telling me something when I had to go?”, and it starts all over again!
This time I have a little bit more of an advantage…with the 40 minutes to sit and stew, I became a bit more creative and was able to express my interest a little more eloquently…and believe me, it worked!
After another 20 minutes or so, we finish up and hang up for the night…but there is no way in hell I can sleep! The thoughts in my head are running a thousand miles an hour, and I just can’t stop thinking about it!
It was so intimate to hear and express all the things that we’d like to do, there just aren’t words I can use to describe it at the moment…suffice to say though; it was a night I’ll remember for the rest of my life! |
posted Sunday January 21st, @11:08AM
Friday December 29th
(jump earlier later)
modification...
Well, the “saved” by Jen thing turned out to be a double edged sword. Just when I thought (and know) I made a dent in her armor, she clammed up, and has gone out of her way to hurt me.
Yes, its my fault, I allow it…jeezus this is so fucking old that it kills me to write it, but I just have to get it all out, and hopefully move on…
For as much as I write about the loves in my journal, Jen, “Jill”, others, and the things I feel they need to change in their lives, in a way its crap because I refuse to change myself…and I have to…I need to start to liking myself…(damn that’s hard to do, I cant even take a compliment!)…
I know I shouldn’t try to do too much change at once, but maybe if I write it down I’ll feel more compelled to do it…who knows, maybe this all bullshit too… *sigh*
So, here goes…
I have to get rid of the damn Christmas stocking I made for her and the little crap that’s in it. No, there’s nothing expensive in it, but I put so much forethought and care into what went into it that I almost wish I’d given it to “Jill”…she saw it and liked it very, very much…
It kills me that Jen and I haven’t been able to get together before now, and I would have liked to make it into more of an evening between us, but it fucking kills me to see it hanging there every damn day. I’ll try to just drop it off at her house…maybe I’ll get lucky and the neighbor will be there to let me into her foyer and just leave it there…
Next, avoiding her (after said stocking)…no calls, or texts, or anything…and that means no going to the place where she works…no NYE there this year…this is going to be tough…(more to come on this one later)…
Enough about her, on to me…
This new work schedule of mine is taking its toll. I really need to force myself to get up in the morning and be productive. Yes, not using an alarm clock is great at times, it’s just too easy to blow shit off and lay there. The alarm will at least be set for 8 or 8:30, and I will get up…I mean it! (trying to convince myself now)
Seeing as I’m going to be up, I want to at least go for a (brisk) walk along the water, and or use the Nordic-Track that my mom has waiting for me to pick up this weekend….30 to 45 min a day...no excuses! 
Okay, dieting sucks, and this is where I’m going to *try* and give up the beer (and soda’s at work…well, anywhere, but I do tend to have one at work daily)…talk about pork chop in a bottle! Anyway, I want to lay off the drinking till at least St. Pat’s…sorry, no way I can pass that one up, it’s almost better than my birthday!
Changes at work… I *have* to get out of the job I have…there is no damn way I can do it any longer. When my 6 month tour is up I have to get back to days, and hopefully out of that office…maybe to engineering…anything…I’ll drive the mail truck as long as they continue to pay me close to what I make now…
Now the house… Yeah, I’ve made some nice improvements, new roof, bathroom, hallway and shit, but its time to refi… With what I bought it for, and what its worth now, I know I can take a little equity out, and hell with it all, I want a boat again! Not a new one, I even have the one I want in mind already…its one I did the canvas for last summer…just a small job, but the guy wanted to sell it in the fall… More than likely, I can pick it up, trailer and all, for less than 10k…so if that saves my sanity, its worth it…
I know as young adults we begin defining ourselves as individuals…my boat was one of the strongest things that really showed who I was, and or am. To this day people still can’t believe that I don’t have one. Now, its very sad to say this, the other thing that defined me was Jen…people ask us when we’re out alone, where the other one is…I still get it to this day, and so does she... *sigh*
Why can’t I think of what I love about her? What is the attraction? With “Jill” I can list 10 things easy that I love about her…with Jen…*sigh*…not sure I can do it, and that bothers me the most. She is very charismatic, but can you love that? She can be very caring and loyal, but only when she wants to be… I do love it when I’m with her…damn we have fun…seriously, its so easy to be with her…well, as long as you don’t get too deep, she’s not good at that…
Okay, the hell with it, and her…I have to change me, not her or anyone else…
So, no beer, no Jen, try to watch what I eat, get a little exercise, job change, and maybe a new toy to save my mind…all sounds good, just wonder if I can do it… |
posted Friday December 29th, @06:19AM
Friday December 22nd
(jump earlier later)
silence...
Still no communication between us... *sigh* |
posted Friday December 22nd, @01:03AM
Monday December 18th
(jump earlier later)
blue christmas...
I’ve been spending way too much time with Jen lately; things with her are getting hard to take again. It’s always on her terms, not like that has changed in any way, but I’m sick of that. Seriously, when I say she could take me or leave me, she could…if I don’t fit in to what she’s looking to do, I may as well go pack sand up my ass, ‘cuz she could give a shit less…
That and the drama…always drama…some real, some perceived…
*sigh*
Why does it have to be the week before Christmas when this happens?!?!? I know I’ll cave and contact her before the holiday…hell, I even have material I bought to make her Christmas stocking with…not sure if it’ll kill me more to not make it, than to make it and get my feelings hurt afterward…
I guess that last statement shows that I really am too serious, well that’s what she told me Saturday night anyway…”Why cant you just have fun?” I wish I could “just have fun”…wish I had that in me…chalk that up as another character flaw of mine…
At this point I can’t wait to have the holidays over with…just so many feelings they bring up that I don’t want to deal with right now… |
posted Monday December 18th, @11:30PM
Wednesday December 6th
(jump earlier later)
saved...
I feel somewhat a sense of relief as of late. My relationship with “Jill” has been very much subdued since the weekend spent with Jen…that is a huge relief. That and my relationship with Jen has evolved as well.
What she did for me that weekend, and I’m talking about other than the physical part, was more than I could have ever asked for, or expected of her. Just showing that she actually cared, was there to listen and comfort me, and was even ready to stick up for me, that all was a part of her I’ve never really seen before.
Yeah, for a small time I was confused after our tryst, but I’m stepping away from that now…it’s easier to let her go this time it seems, for as much as I continued to try and rekindle our wonderful weekend together, it’s just not working, and I’ve been banished to her couch twice now in the past couple of weeks…
It’s funny, and I won’t go into great detail about it, but Saturday we had plans to get together at her house and watch a movie after she got out of work. Well, I stopped by with the movie and some popcorn to see her before she left, and she said that she just wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go home and to bed…which is fine, I understood. But as soon as two girls I work with stopped by to say hi to me, and ask what I was up to that night, she stood up and announced to me, and them seeing as they were standing right next to me; “I’m heading home, are you coming?”
I had to almost laugh at that, it was like a cat marking her territory… So, we go to her house, hang out, talk, of course I rub her back some more, and just when things should have gotten good, she says she has to go to bed, and that she’ll get me a pillow and a blanket for the couch… *sigh*
Yeah, I saved her the trip…told her I should just head home, and took my leave… I truly don’t understand her, but whatever…at least now things aren’t as weird at work for me, so I guess it was all for the best… |
posted Wednesday December 6th, @02:41AM
|
christopher_
