Verizon DSL → High Speed Gods Hate Me!

I don't get it, I can't even break 1mbps on either of these connections.
»/archi ··· t=Search

What's going on (tweaking, reloading, calling Comshit and Whorizon) haven't worked and right now, my NetZero dialup feels faster than these two excuses for internet. What's going on, or should I try satellite next?

It might help if you posted some info such as, your modem stats, and the BBR line quality test. Also, how far are you from the CO?

How about this post a tweak test from »/tweaks, a line quality test from »/testme and a few speed tests. And your advertised speed.

My modem is the new one with the built in wireless router.

Tweak
Test:»ttester.broadbandreports ··· a=normal

Distance:According to mapquest, I'm 2.2 miles away from the CO (Around 14,800 driving feet) but Verizon's wiring puts me around 16,200 feet.

Line Test:When I get tool points

MY comcast test is up to 4000kbps though so it's not my computer

Line tests are free sir.

I can't even break 41.2k, so feel lucky my friend.